10 Years and A Life Later...

Today I turned 26, boy do I feel it! For some reason the only number that has been on my mind all day is 16. I was 16...10 years ago. In those 10 years so much has changed in my life, some for the better and some for the miracles I am still waiting to see! I know God has transformed my life in the last 10 year and I can't wait to see what the next 10, 20, 30, or even 50 years will bring me!

When I turned 16, I lived in Evansville Indiana with my mom. Just me and her, what a wonderful relationship grew out of it just being us! I attended high school at Central and other than that, my life was not real exciting to the outside. There was a part of my life that only a select few saw and so for the most part was very private. I was dating a guy named Ryan, that I thought was going to be "the one", little did I know God had Tim already lined up! If I was out of school, I was with Ryan. He was my whole world and the only 1 person in my life that even I thought mattered.

Ryan and I had a very dependant relationship on one another. He needed me as much as I needed him or so I thought. He was 8 years older than I and so we always had alcohol. We drank together to make the time go by. I don't remember any time when I was with Ryan, one of us didn't have a drink in our hand. The day I turned 16, we split a 6 pack while my mom was working. She worked 2nd shift at Red Cross, which meant after school, it was just me at home. I enjoyed having Ryan there, even if it wasn't the healthiest part of my life.

The weekend I after I turned 16, Ryan was out of town, so one of my friends from Cville came up to see me. Kirk and I were close and had always been. He came up in his moms car on Saturday morning and stayed til Sunday. I was happy to have someone from "home" visiting me! Saturday night, Kirk and I decided we would go drive around town and I could show him more of Evansville. We had decided that I could drive and I thought I would take him over to one of the gravel roads not far from my house. I hit the gas pedal and in about 5 seconds, I saw my whole life, 16 years, pass before my eyes. I had hit the gas pedal, not taking into consideration the weight of the car, Chevy Caprice, and it fish-tailed out of control. The car started veering to the right, which led right into a brick wall, I spun the wheel as fast as I could and it turned to the left. We ended up going through a fence and some trees, coming to a stop in a field. I was so scared and shaking, I couldn't even look at Kirk. He was so silent in the seat next to me. We started the car and drove back home. He left early on Sunday morning, earlier than planned and came back home. He fixed the damage to the car and we never brought it up again. This was the scariest night of my life.

I have thought of that night often in the last 10 years. God had His hand of protection around us that night. Kirk and I don't speak now, but I know that night will live with us forever. Ryan and I broke up in November of 2001 and Tim re-entered my life not long after! Tim and I are going on 8 years of marriage now and Kaizer is such a blessing! When I was 16, I never thought about where I would be at 26! In the last 10 years, who I am has changed so much and who I will be is still a work in progress!

Who I was at 16, has opened my eyes to so much! I was a 16 year old kid with freedom, maybe too much at times. I had the best friend I could ask for in my mom, and she is still my best friend! She was making the best home possible for a difficult and sometimes stubborn 16 year old kid. I did all the things I thought were cool and fun at such an early age that when I was legal to do those things, the appeal was gone. I am proud to be able to say I survived some things that maybe others don't and found a way out of some scary times.

10 years and life later, I am a wife, a mom, a teacher, a child of the King, and most of all I am ME, because of who I was. I wish I had hit the slow down button and done some more true fun things at 16, instead of trying to be the "cool" one. God had a plan for me even back then, even if I couldn't see past the next 30 minutes at 16! God knew at 26, I would be married to hard working and supportive man! He knew I would have the child I had prayed for who is pretty awesome and adorable! He knew I would be planning that child's 6th birthday party! I am thankful God's plan held strong, even when I veered off course!

Sorry for the babble, but I really needed to write tonight!

What a LONG Week...

This past week in the Brockman household was very long for us. What started out as a good week quickly turned sour for us. I never realized how much being at the ER can take so much out of a person until this past week, trust me I don't want to relive a week like this! I wouldn't wish a week like this on anyone!

Monday night while I was at the Women's Bible study, Tim had texted and called. I was gone for about 30 minutes and Kaizer had thrown up 5 times in less than 30 minutes, it could have been more, but who keeps count of such things. I called Tim as I was leaving bible study, have Kaizer ready we are going to the ER. So I get home and down comes my sweet boy carrying his Thomas the Tank Engine trashcan and Tim. We get to the ER and they test him for strep and flu. Both test came back negative, thank God, but that didn't answer the question as to what is wrong with him. The doc came in, took 1 look at Kaizer, and told us he had a stomach virus. This was just from looking at him, no test run, no nothing, just a look. I didn't agree, but doc knows best, right...wrong. We spent 3 hours at the ER for that, I took the doc for his word, finding it hard to believe that that was all it was.
Tuesday I didn't send him to school, partly because he had spent 3 hours in the ER the night before, but also because he had developed a high fever. His fever stayed between 100 and 103 for over 24 hours for the next 2 days. We were doing the tylenol, motrin thing, cool baths, washcloths, trying to make sure he got enough to drink, the whole bit, but nothing could make his fever break. So Wednesday afternoon, back to the ER we go! This time we weren't going without test being run and a true diagnosis of what was going on.
We get to the ER and his fever is 101 almost 102. The same doc comes in and looks at my very pale, very sick little man and says oh he looks good. I told him that no he didn't look good, he was so pale and his eyes were so red. He was not up being his normal busy self, this was not what a good looking kid looked like. The doc decided to do X-rays on his lungs and head, blood work, pee in a cup, strep test, and flu test again. We go to X-ray and get those done, it took most of his energy to stand up to get them done. We get back to Bay 1, his room and the nurse comes in to do the swab test and blood work. He didn't want any of it done, he wanted to go home and watch Disney! It took 3 of us to hold him down for the blood work and swab tests, needless to say while he was crying, I was crying too. It took him a while to pee in the cup, but he finally did, just enough for them to get what they needed! They took a little more blood than the doc asked for, but that was so they wouldn't have to restick him. After the blood work was done and all the test, we waited. Kaizer fell asleep and I know he was wore out. It was all he could do to hold his little head up. The doc finally came in and told me that the swab test were negative, the blood work looked good as did the pee. The X-rays were not so great. Kaizer has sinusitis, hints why he has been so stuffy all week, and his lungs showed a massive viral infection, hints the cough and fever he has. He prescribed him Augmentin, making his 12th drug to take everyday for the next 10 days, then we drop back down to 11!
I had to wait til Thursday to pick up his medicine since Walmart didn't have it on Wed when I dropped off the prescription. I decided on Thursday that Kaizer could use some fresh air, we took him out for about a hour on Thursday night. He ate good and he really seemed to be okay. His fever had broke around 11:00am Thursday morning and he was feeling good. It did him some good to be outside. Friday morning, he went to school, for the first time since Monday! I was just hopeful he would be able to make it all day! He did make it all day! I even went to lunch with him!
After school, we took him prebowling, and even after the week he had, he still bowled a 44! That is pretty great for a little guy who has been sick all week! We went grocery shopping and really enjoyed the day! After dinner, we made a run to Baskin Robbins and then to Kroger! Of course at Kroger, Kaizer wanted the car cart, so of course we gave in! You know when your child is tired, when he falls asleep in the car cart! He got very quiet in the store and I really didn't think much of it, just as long as he stayed in the cart, Tim took 1 look at him and he was asleep! Too bad I didn't have my camera!
Needless to say after 2 3-hour trips to the ER, we have had a longer week than we wanted. I never want to relive again. The weekend has been on upswing for us and I am hopeing we stay on the upswing! Just say a prayer for us that all the sickness stays away from us!

The More Things Change...The More They Stay The Same

Just as the title says, the more things change, the more they stay the same, this is the one phrase I can find to define my life as of now. We seem to be going through changes in our home, but it seems like those changes are keeping us in the same routine. I feel like our life is being dictated by this doctor visit or that doctor visit, or start this medicine or drop down a dosage in this medicine. It seems like in just the past few weeks, our lives have taken on big changes, that I am still getting used to.

Doctor visits and medicine seem to rule Kaizer's life, more than anything. He is now on 11 meds a day and who knows when this will change. He gets allergy shots twice a week, which he hates, but he knows he has to have them. He takes 6, sometimes 7 meds before first thing in the morning, add on his 2nd dose of medicine at lunch, and then at dinner he takes 2 more doses of medicine. Before bed he takes 3 to 4 more meds. He is one tough little guy. He has been on meds since he was 4 months old, for him this is just a part of life. We do try to give him at least 1 day a month to be med free, we have only done it twice and it seems to have a negative effect on him. He can't quit the meds without horrible breathing and stomach problems. I am thankful he has the meds so that he can function in his day to day life, don't get me wrong, but I do hope for that one day when he will need no meds to make it through! Oh what a great day that will be! I keep a check-off list taped to my cabinets to make sure I know exactly what he has been given and trust me, I get made fun of for having it, but that has been my norm for so long! I need this list to function! I can't even imagine trying to make it through the day without my list!

Another big change was leaving our church. This decision wasn't easy to make for us and we had been praying on it for some time. FGBC was like our family and we are thankful for every prayer and encouraging word we got from the people there. We felt it was time for us to go when we hit a spiritual stand still. Our desire to go to church was gone and we really didn't care if we were there or not, that is how bad it got for us. Leaving FGBC was a hard choice for us, but we know it was the right one. FGBC was our first true "family" church. If it wasn't for us sending Kaizer out there for VBS in 2009, who knows where we would be now! Kaizer learned so much about Jesus and God in our short time there and that means more to me than words could say! Who knows if we will ever be back out there, but if we don't then I know God has a plan for us!

Our changes come and we take them all in stride, that is all we know how to do. Our life will always be in one changing cycle or another, but I wouldn't have my life any other way! This is the life given to me by the big man upstairs through many answered and unanswered prayers, thankful for every blessing I have!

Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is a huge part of our life right now...And it is a horrible thing to go through. Since about September, Kaizer has had horrible anxiety about having to leave us. He cries and doesn't want to let go of me or Tim. He doesn't want to stay with anyone, but us, which means no time for Tim and I. I have never experienced this before and I really don't know how to help Kaizer understand that I am not going anywhere or that I will be back to get him.

Every morning at school or at least 95% of the time, he cries and doesn't want to go into class. It has gotten so bad that Mrs. Ward has had to come and drag him off of me. It breaks my heart and makes me want to cry as well. The only thing I can think of that would even trigger all of this would be the one day, back in September, I was late to pick him up from school. I didn't get there until 3:10 or so, he wasn't crying or even upset. He was sitting in the office, perfectly fine, but since that day, it has been very bad.

Even at church, he is getting very upset when it is time for Children's Church or even to go downstairs on Wed nights. He loves church and he loves the people at church, but he is so scared to leave us. Tonight at dinner, as we were talking about taking Kaizer to the church daycare, so Tim and I could go to dinner and have a night away, he broke down in tears, not just a little bit of tears, I mean full on crying. We asked him why he was acting like this and his answer was that he doesn't want to be away from us because if he isn't with us, we will forget him. We all know that we would never forget him, but he is convinced we will. I don't know where he got this idea or anything. Of course as he was breaking down crying, mom was tearing up as well.
I just wish I knew why he felt this way and where he got this idea. We have tried somethings, but nothing has seemed to help. We gave him pictures to carry in his pocket, I gave him one of my bowling pins to carry around, I leave notes in his lunch box, what else can I do? I hate this stage in his life, I hate that he is going through this. I really just hate it all.
I want him to be okay with going places without us. I want him to know that it is okay, we will always come back. I want him to know that we will never forget him. I don't know what else to do to help him. I don't know how to help him.

Separation anxiety has turned our life upside down. It has made almost impossible to leave our child with anyone. If one of us isn't with him, he doesn't seem like himself. I wish I had the answers to make him him once again.

Memories...

Kaizer and Granny B, age 2!

With Christmas coming up in just a few more days, that endless question seems to be asked in every conversation, are you done shopping or what do you want for Christmas? I asked my mom what she would like for Christmas, she didn't tell me anything right away or even for a while. We were on the phone the subject changed to our trip to Gulf Shores that is coming up and what all everyone had got for Kaizer and what we had got for Griff, and just on to the days events. We ended the conversation and she still hadn't told me anything that she wanted for Christmas, so there I sat with still no clue.

We hadn't been off the phone for even an hour and the phone was ringing, it was my momma, she told me she wanted me to write down the memories of my Great Grandma B a.k.a Nanny B and my grandparents. I was shocked and very taken aback by what she was asking given the relationship of my grandparents and I and how young I was when my Nanny B when she passed away. I asked her many times if she was sure that is what she wanted and I even told her that she didn't want my memories of my grandparents, most of them weren't that great. But she assured me that is what she wanted, my memories. She even asked me to call my brother and tell him the same thing, he had the same response as I did.

I only have 1 strong memory of my Nanny B and she was the best! She lived in a high rise of the north side of Evansville and we had gone to her apartment for Sunday dinner after church, I was probably 5 years old. I remember she had a step stool she pulled out for me to use as a seat, I loved that step stool and have no clue why! Of course Nanny had chocolate ice cream and I remember asking her for some, of course mom and dad both said no, but that didn't stop Nanny, she gave me a small bowl with 2 scoops in it before lunch! See my Nanny B was the best! This is my one and only memory of her, but I sure wish that I had more!

Now when it comes to my grandparents, I have many memories, some are better than others. My grandma was an AVON lady my whole life, so we always knew what we were getting for birthdays and Christmas, you didn't even have to think about it, always AVON! How much AVON does 1 child need! Not as much as she gave! LOL My grandma knew how to cook, deviled eggs, gravy, I miss her cooking! The holidays just aren't the same! She always had pickles at her house, in all different flavors, guess that is where my love of pickles comes from! In the 23 years of my life, I never saw my grandmothers' real hair color, how unreal is that! She had a hair and nail appointment every Friday and she never missed it!

My grandfather is different story. He was a man very set in his ways and very set in the way he thought things should be. He was a quiet man, we never really spoke much. I can remember going to his house and he would smoke his pipe, oh how I loved the smell of his pipe. Such a bad habit, but it sure smelled good. While I was in high school, I used to walk down to his house everyday after school and he would watch the same shows, Great Cooks of America at 3:00 and Great Cooks of the World at 3:30. He wouldn't change the channel during commercials, he would just put the TV on mute! If I ever needed a ride, I would always ask for him to come get me, he drove the fastest of the 2!

This Christmas as I was putting out decorations, it really hit me hard for some reason. My grandpa went into the hospital Christmas day of 1999 and never came home, he had a brain aneurysm and died February 23 2000. I remember going to see him and he was in a coma, I only went to the hospital like 3 or 4 times in the whole 8 weeks he was there. My mom came home and told me, it's over, he passed away, and I didn't believe her. I never thought that the Christmas of 1999 was the last one I would get with him, ever. I know he would have loved to see Kaizer and play with him! He would have been a much better great grandfather than he ever was a grandfather and I know this! For one thing, Kaizer is a boy, makes it a little easier on him!

After my grandfather passed, my grandmother and I got alot closer. We had dinner together at least twice a week, always at the same places, Sunday night was always JoJo's and Wednesday night was always The Merry Go Round! 2 things in her life that never changed! She used to come and watch me bowl in competitions and cheer me on. Kaizer was 8 weeks old when she finally got to meet him and he was the apple of her eye! Oh she loved my son with everything that was in her! She told everyone about him and showed off all the pictures she could of him! She was so proud of her great grandson! She was the best Granny B in the world to him! Everytime we would go to Evansville, she would put Kaizer on her lap and just hold him and play with him and you could so much joy in her eyes when he was around! In the last 2 years of her life, she got to where she needed a walker 24/7, so she got one that came with a seat on it. I can remember going to see her and she would put Kaizer on the seat and just walk him around and showing him off and telling him all sorts of stories! I wish I had that relationship with my grandma like he did, but I know what they had is special.

My grandma passed away on April 21 2008, 2 days before I turned 23. The last time I saw her, was in March of 2008 and she didn't know who I was. I miss her so much! She loved raccoons and now Kaizer has at least 3 in his room that were hers! As I was putting up my decorations this year, I pulled out some of her ornaments and it choked me up! I remember them being on her tree, but now they are on mine. Her nativity set, which I love, is now at my house, but I remember being at hers! I miss my grandma alot and this year it has just hit me worse than before and I don't know why. I wish she could be here to watch Kaizer ride his bike, learn to swim, cheer him on he bowls, all the things a grandparent should get to do. I know she rejoices up in Heaven with my Nanny B, but I would much rather have her here!

A Mother's Heart

Just a poem that I have had on my heart, hope you all enjoy!

A Mother's Heart

A mother's heart
Breaks when her baby cries
Rejoices when she sees her baby succeed

A mother's heart
Feels the pain of her child
Would take the pain of her child

A mother's heart
Walks outside herself
For the rest of her life

A mother's heart
Is in protection mode
Whenever as she watches her baby
Go out into this big scary world

A mother's heart
Is no longer hers
When her baby is born

A mother's heart
Will forever and always
Be filled with love, tears, and hopes!


My heart never knew such love, joy, sadness, and pain until I had Kaizer, 5 years ago. I have watched my baby fight through so much and I have cried many tears over my son, sad tears and joyful tears! He is my bright and shinning star! I am blessed beyond words that God gave me my mother's heart, and I will always and forever, remember that first kick, that first cry, and most of all the first time I saw my baby!

Beautiful

I was driving home yesterday and I was rocking out to KLOVE, that only station ever played in my car and this song, "Beautiful" by MercyMe came on the radio! I had never heard it before and the first lyric just caught me! The lyrics just spoke so much to me and it was all I could do to hold it together!

Beautiful by MercyMe

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart, they would see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, and You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you held inside you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, and You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful in His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are scared, and You are His.

There are so many times in my life, I have felt beat down and just not worth anything to anyone, but there was always one, who was holding my hand and pulling me through, screaming, You are Beautiful, You are Mine! Praise the Lord, I am a child of the King! Even when I don't feel top great about myself and I am just beating myself up, there is the Great and Mighty Lord, telling me I am beautiful!
When I was younger, I was having a hard time accepting where I was in my life and I was doing some pretty horrible things. I was drinking everyday and doing some other things, that I am not very proud of, Satan has used that time in my life to really just beat me down. He uses the way I use to be to keep me from moving forward in my walk with the Lord. Satan tells me the God could never love someone who had the life I once had and did the things I once did. I have believed that lie from Satan more than once and it sucks. The song says, that God loved before I ever took a breath, not just loved me, but madly loved me! If God can love me even after the life I once lived, He is one amazing man! There are times, I don't even love me after the life I lived, but God is there to pick my head up and tell me, I treasure you, you are sacred, and you are more than all of that!
I am more than that life I once lived, I am more than the lies that Satan tells me to keep me down. I am treasured and I am His! I can't tell you how much that blesses me! No matter what Satan throws at you, always remember You are His, You are treasured, You are sacred, and You are so much more than all of that!