Depression Crashing...

Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.
True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

 

Depression comes into your life in the most unexpected times and then rules your life until one day you have enough, you decide it's time to fight back, regain yourself. Depression is one of the darkest experiences of life, one of the scariest in life, and one that literally turns you into someone you don't like, and you don't really want other people to see. Depression sucks your life away, one black cloud at a time.

My first run with depression came at 14 years old. I had just moved to Evansville for the first time. I had left the only home I had ever known, no matter the dysfunction of that home, it was my home. I had left the only friends I had known. The friends I met at 6 years old, the friends I had fought with and made it right between us. I had put off moving to Evansville from Campbellsville as long as I could, I knew the day was coming though. This was a day I dreaded, I was in no way ready to say goodbye.

My mother and I packed up the car that hot July morning and I said my final goodbyes to my dad and my brother. That was hard. As we made the 3 hour drive, the tears came and I kept trying to hide them. My mother took me into the home she had picked for us, showed me around some, and then she was off to work. Here I was, a 14 year old kid, in a town I knew nothing about, knew no one, and I was alone. I had never truly felt alone until that moment. Every afternoon at 2:00, my mother would leave for work and everyday that black cloud got a bit darker and bit bigger. I would sit for hours in the silence, in the dark until I ended up in the corner of my closet, staring up a bar, wondering if it would hold my weight. I would sit for hours and cry, for no reason.

Sitting, crying, screaming into the darkness at a God I no longer believed in. Begging to die when I went to sleep that night so I would no longer feel the pain of being alone. Waking up everyday felt like torture and sleeping was my redemption, my refuge from the storm. I would sit and ponder the ways to make the pain end, but then I would think of my mom. I couldn't have my mother be the one to find me.

I made "friends" at school. That was when the storm cloud started to lift and I could start to see the sun in little spots. These people had their ways to keep the "happy" Asha out and alive, drugs and alcohol. Why not have another drink, I learned that to be happy, searching the bottom of the bottle became my answer. After I started drinking, the depression faded away and quickly. Through this of course, another problem then occurred. Finding people to hang out with and having another source to drown my pain became my answer.

This answer stuck with me for years. I didn't feel that dark cloud really start to creep back in for quite a few years after that. I could feel the cloud coming back when Kaizer was around 3. His health had taken quite a few hits and Tim and I were on the rocks yet again. This time instead of diving head first into a bottle, I found myself back at 14 years old, sitting in the deepest, darkest corner of the closet, crying and talking to God. When I could afford to drink, I would drown every ounce of pain in the bottle, only to discover the next day it was still there. As I discovered the bottle wasn't working for me, I turned to a source I thought very unlikely to help, church.

After getting involved in church, some of the darkness started to lift away and I could once again see the sun trying to pin-prick its way through. Too bad the pin-prick didn't just rip away at a seam and tear that darkness apart. As much as I have always wished to go back to that happy go lucky person I was before I was 14, that person was dead and gone when the first black cloud appeared. That first black giant came in and buried that person, in a lot of ways, I'm still searching for that person.

After I got through that bout of depression, life went on as normal for almost 4 years. I had gone through major changes in my life, a big move to Evansville, working in the school system, and just adjusting to a new life. In May of 2012, my marriage was done, and with that it started a cycle of black cloud after black cloud. I was drinking more trying to bury the darkness, every night I needed a little more, a little more was never enough.

One more drink became one or more shots a night as well, until I had my eyes opened up by someone who truly cares about me. He has been my rock and my angel through out all of this. He understands what I'm going through and has always been there. Since my divorce started and Kaizer started going to Tims' every other weekend, its hard. That first full weekend was extremely difficult. I sat in the dark, crying, listening to music that wasn't helping, and drinking. This past week has been hard. I have a crappy day, time for a drink, let the depression win.

The depression once again swooped in with a vengeance and I once again fell to my knees and let it win. I have spent days in my house, not going anywhere, staying in my pajamas, and sleeping the day away. This past week has been one of the worse for me in a long time. Not bad enough that I would hurt myself, I don't have those thoughts anymore. That was a once and only time thing, but the depression is still there.

I don't know that I will be over depression. Yes I will get sad from time to time, who doesn't? Yes I'll have bad days, but I'm hoping to find my inner strength, my inner beast that says NO I WIN. Depression sucks, it sucks away you, your life, and your dreams. Depression is hard, it takes a toll on your body. I'm strong enough now to rip that dark cloud myself and shred it.

 

Depression comes crashing

Like the waves on the sand

Depression covers you in darkness

Like a blanket in the winter

Depression is a thief in the night

Stealing your life one dark cloud at a time

Depression leaves you in a corner

Hiding from the light of the day

Wrapping up inside yourself

Trying to hide just a little more

Finding your strength in the darkness

Is like searching for needle in a haystack

Nearly impossible and just as frustrating

The sounds of laughter

Seems so foreign to you

The look of happiness

You no longer recognize

The weight of depression

Sits on your chest

Making it hard to take that breath

Depression comes crashing

Like a sea of black waves

Upon the whitest sands

Stealing all the light from you.

An Alcoholic Nightmare

"It's like I have a gun in my mouth and I like the way the metal taste." Robert Downey Jr

Alcoholism is a broad term for problems with alcohol, and is generally used to mean compulsive and uncontrolled consumption of alcoholic beverages.

I can remember the May of 1997 like it was yesterday. I was 12 years old and I had spent the morning and much of the afternoon at the college watching many people I knew walk across the stage. I had gone to watch a very close family friend with our family friends. Little did I know that would be the day I would soon discover how much a drink could mean to my life.
I had been invited to go to his graduation party with the family and all of his college buddies.I thought nothing of it seeing as how I wouldn't be the youngest child there, nor the oldest being under 18. There were plenty of children younger than me at 12, how much trouble could this be? As the party went on, I ventured out back to where the real party was. No one would give me a glass of whatever was in the pitcher they had out there, that was just for the adults. What they failed to realize was, the fruit they kept pulling out of this pitcher soaked in booze was just as easy to get a buzz off it. This pitcher had homemade hooch in it, made with lots of fruits and other things. I started eating the fruit that came from this pitcher and soon had a feeling, an overwhelming sensation that I liked. I liked feeling 10 feet tall and bulletproof. I enjoyed this rush, this high, a feeling I had never had before. As the hooch pitcher kept getting lower and lower, the fruit got to being more and more that I could eat on. With every piece of fruit, that rush, got to be more and more enjoyable, that high got better and better.
The next morning, as I woke to the overly bright sun and loud noises coming from the kitchen, I didn't feel so great. I was sick. My first thought of course was not to the fruit I had consumed the mere 5 hours before. My first thought was getting to the bathroom and hoping I made it there before I puked all over the place. I would soon learn this feeling to be that of a hangover. This again was a brand new feeling, a scary, not so great feeling. One I was hoping to never experience again. My head pounded, my eyes burned from the sun, my body shook, and there was no way I was getting out of bed. I tried to eat that day, but that didn't help. If I could have just remembered the night before and how I got this way, maybe it would all make sense.
It took me another 7 months before I was able to chase the high from that May night. It was New Years and I was back at the same house for another party. This one was to ring in 1998! I remember sneaking into the kitchen and getting glasses of wine and champagne, hoping to not get caught! I never got caught, so the drinks kept coming. The feeling of the rush or high I was chasing never came back that. So of course, I thought the more I drink, that feeling is sure to come back, not remembering the whole time of my hangover, feeling like death the whole day. There was no stopping me, I wanted my high, I needed to feel that rush, a rush/high that never came. The next day though, that hangover was back. Most would think this would be enough to deter me from ever picking up another bottle, sadly no it didn't.
Fast forward to May of 2000, age 15. I was living in Evansville and hanging with the wrong crowd. The "friends" I had only cared about a few things, drinking being the biggest of these.The best part of this group of "friends" was that the parents were the suppliers of our drinking binges. We would get out of school and walk home to find beer sitting on the table waiting on us. This became my life, drinking everyday after school and hoping my mother would never catch me. I was chasing that high, that rush I got at 12. I never discovered that rush, but I did discover that my tolerance raised. At 15 years old, I started a drinking binge that I would chase for the better part of the next 4 years.
4 years of chasing a high that never came, a rush that never showed up again. I spent the next 4 years, drinking for hours a day, sometimes starting at 4 in the afternoon only to finish when I passed out. I passed out or blacked out in more places that you can imagine. I would fall asleep on the floor, the couch, the bathroom floor, and even outside on a porch. At 16 years old I was full blown into an addiction I saw no end to. My day would start by waking up feeling so sick and shaking like a leaf. I would stay this way until I could get that drink and all of a sudden, I felt better. It was like medicine for me. The hangovers had stopped, my body just craved a drink. What had started out with just a beer, soon became vodka and the harder, more intense drinks. I can recall being so desperate for a drink, I would hide booze in my closet and drink them hot, just to not be sick.
At 19 years old, I made the choice to stop drinking. I had made this choice based on this desire I had to have a child. I couldn't have a baby growing in my belly and be drinking. I wanted my baby to have the best place to grow. I quit drinking and quickly got pregnant. Not far into the pregnancy, I lost the baby. As much as my heart broke, I knew a drink wouldn't help if I wanted to be a mom. I got pregnant again and had the absolute worse pregnancy in the world, but it was all worth it to have my miracle baby. On June 3 2005, my sweet, brown eyed baby boy was born. The joy that came with being his mommy and hearing him cry for the first time is a feeling that is indescribable. That feeling was so much better than the high or rush drinking had ever given me. Watching this little boy grow, talk, crawl, and walk was so amazing.
20 days before Kaizer turned 1, we had a family reunion with an open bar. I hadn't had a drink in almost 2 years, I thought I had conquered that alcoholic demon in my head. How wrong I was. It started with a beer and quickly moved to 3 more drinks by the nights end. I was not as strong as I thought I was. This 4 hour drinking binge lead me down the next 18 months of drinking almost nightly, always justifying to myself the same 3 thing, my bills are paid, my child is taken care of, and there is food in the house. As long as those 3 things are taken care of then I can drink until I black out. Over the next 3 years, I would drink sporadically and sometimes get wasted, but not like I had been doing.
August of 2011, as I made the move back to Evansville, my fears of becoming the same person I was in high school came flooding back. The fear of living in the big wet town where there is a bar or liquor store on every corner, where I can go to the grocery store or gas station and just buy what I want. I want a 6 pack, give me 15 minutes, I'll come back with 4. The reality of this is, I have become that person again. I spend many nights drinking until I pass out. It started out with 3 drinks a night and has quickly gone to 12 . Some nights I have 12 with shots, many shots. I drink to forget the pain of some of the toughest parts of my life, some events in my life. I drink to not have to face the fact that I wake up everyday and look at a chart of 11 meds that my son has to take in order to eat, got to the bathroom, breathe. Even though I know that I caused none of these issues with him, it still sucks to face it. I drink to forget me.
No I'm not a bad mom or even a bad person. I am a person with a problem. Hello, my name is Asha and I am an alcoholic. A couple of days ago, I had someone reach out to me and really open my eyes to the reality of my life. I am drinking my life away and for what? All so I can have a another drink. As I write this, I'm going on 48 hours without a drink, I haven't done that since Christmas. I'm shaky from withdrawal and sick. I'm sad and I feel like crying. All I want to do is run and get a drink, but I am tackling being sober to give my son the best life out there, without a drunk for his mother. The next few hours, days, weeks, and even months may get hard for me, but I have to stay strong and somehow make it through.
The reality of an alcoholic's life is this, they can never have just 1 drink, that 1 drink always leads to 3, 4, or 9, 10. We can never go to the bar for a quick drink, we will forget our way home. We aren't bad people, we have just made bad choices. We can never be "social" drinkers. We don't know how to do that. The reality of an alcoholic is this, that bottle in our hand, usually feels like our best friend. That bottle in our hand has stolen our life and kept us in the shadows for far too long. This road to sobriety won't be easy and I may stumble, but I am hoping to be able to pick myself back up.

My Road to Catholicism

I can remember as a child always walking or riding my bike past the Catholic church in town and always wanting to know just what was behind those glass doors. Being raised baptist, I didn't dare go in to find out. There was a mystery behind those doors and little did I know that one day in my later life that I would be behind those doors finding out the mystery and truly find my home in my relationship with God.
I was raised by a baptist preacher, so my whole life was spent in baptist churches. I was raised believing baptist was the only religion and the only way to get to heaven was through the baptist teachings. There was a time when my brother and I went to a Presbyterian church though. As far as I could tell, baptist and Presbyterian were very much alike. We would go in sing a few hymns, prayer, offering, and preaching...always followed of course by the invitation! Sometimes, but not very often in both churches we would get to take the Lord's Supper, but only of course if you were saved.
In 2007, my mother began attending Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) at Holy Name of Jesus Catholic Church in Henderson. When we would come visit, we would go to church with her! I finally was behind the doors of the mysterious Catholic church! It was nothing at all of what I had imagined or even heard when I was a child! It wasn't this dark scary church and the nuns and priests were some of the funniest people I had ever met! We sang songs, we greeted one another, we prayed, and we did offering! Many people read from the bible and the priest gave the word, just like any other church, but there was something different. That something different...you ask?
The something different was that they did Lord's supper and it wasn't even Christmas or Easter! This was just another Sunday! As I stepped out of the pew to go up for Lord's Supper, I noticed not everyone in the church got it though, of course this sent a wave of questions through me. why not everyone, why only some? What is the priest saying to the people who aren't receiving? As I walked up, my mother told me not to take of the Lord's supper, but get my blessing. Get my blessing, don't take, but I am saved! I am washed in the blood of the Lamb! But I did just as she told me to do. As I stepped forward the priest stretched out his hand and touched my head and said the "Blessing of Christ," he did this for Tim and for my child! My child who had never been to church was being blessed, the feeling I got was amazing! I was ready to dig deeper into this faith!
At Easter 2008, we came up to watch my mother be accepted into Holy Name! What an amazing night this was! To come into this dark church with the only light coming from her RCIA class, it was amazing to watch as each row then got their candles lit. I knew this night, my mother was where she was supposed to be. She knew she was home and I can remember being jealous of not having that feeling! I wanted that feeling so much! Little did I know in 4 short years, that feeling would be mine!
In 2009, God changed our direction away from Catholicism and put us in a baptist church. I couldn't figure out why God had turned us this way, but we went along with God and followed His lead. We started attending First General Baptist and stayed there for quite a while. Kaizer was saved while we attended FGBC, what a blessing! Of course being raised baptist, the next step in baptizing, but he just refused to let Brother Gary dunk him in the water. We left FGBC and started attending Living Grace! What a blessing that church was and still continues to be to our family! Again Kaizer refused to be dunked at Living Grace, he must have known something else was out there for him!
In the time between leaving FGBC and attending Living Grace, Tim had lost his job, having no luck in Campbellsville, he started looking in Evansville. He was hired right away and I too found a job very quickly. So we made the move to Evansville! The first week we were up here, my mom invited me to RCIA with her, as she is now a table leader! As soon as we walked through the door I was greeted with a hug, smile, and the words, "We have been praying for you to join us!" What a feeling to know we were wanted and these people have been praying for us!
We had been coming to RCIA and church for about 2 weeks when Kaizer started asking to be baptized. He asked Father McBride to baptize him by Christmas. I sat in shock as my child who would let no one else do this, that had just asked Father to do this! As I asked Kaizer why Father McBride, he simply said, "This is where God wants us." If my child knows this is where we are meant to be, how could I argue!
On Dec. 17, 2011, Kaizer was baptized! He was so proud of his decision! Of course we got a lot of backlash for letting him be baptized into any other church but baptist, but I knew he had made the right choice. Over Christmas of 2011, we saw some people from our old church, who made the comment right in front of Kaizer, that Catholics won't make it to heaven. I had never been so hurt and angry in my life. For this man who Kaizer loved and adored to say this to him, how wrong.
As RCIA classes have gone on, I have made close friends and learned more about this faith that I now call mine! As we went through Holy week and all the masses we went through, I have felt more and more at home! God called us to Holy Name for a purpose! I know not everyone can understand our choice to become Catholic and that is okay. It may not be for everyone to understand. As I have sat through mass on Sunday, I feel so at home. As I watch my child grow in this faith, I know God called us home!
I am not always the best at listening to God, but He knows how to work in my life. He sends me the answers through my child! "Momma, this is where God wants us." He sends me answers through other people, "We have been praying for you!" What more proof do I need, that this is where God wants us!

Life Is All About Changes...

It isn't the changes that matter, it is how you react to those changes! Your reaction to these changes make you who you are!

This was the phrase I heard today while watching an old episode of Boy Meets World. This phrase for some would strike a chord and maybe for others, it wouldn't mean a thing! For me this one line hit me so hard and it really hard. Change has been the major standout of this year for my family and I! Who would have thought when 2011 started for us in Campbellsville KY, that our 2011 would end for us in Evansville Indiana! What a great and mighty change this has been! As I look back on 2011 for the Brockman 3, changes big and small have been with us all year!
As our year started, we could have never imagined that 5 months into the year, Tim would lose his job. I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was Friday May 13, the day started as any other, Tim off to work, Kaizer and I off to school. After school Kaizer and I paid bills and went to the grocery store. We got back to the house around 4, to find Tim sitting there. I knew the minute I saw him, something bad had happened. I had always joked with him when he came home early, "Oh, did you get fired? Is that why you are home early, or could you just not stand us starting the weekend 2 hours before you!" But that day, when he said he did get fired, I just broke. I stood in shock and denial, having no clue what to say, what to do. I knew that our life would never be the same again. We were behind on a few bills and had no way of catching them up. I cried most for the night and most of the weekend. I had no clue what we were going to do and how we could make ends meet.
We went to church that Sunday morning and Tim and I went to the altar and prayed, cried out to God for answers. I can still hear Bro. Gary's prayer over us that morning, "Lord, I know it seems right now that all hell is breaking lose, but give them peace and understanding that You are holding their hands and walking them through this." I felt so much better after that prayer, I knew somewhere, somehow we were going to make it through this. God had a plan bigger and better than what we could see at that time.
A week after Tim lost his job, I started taking a Experiencing God class at Living Grace and what a blessing that was! God knew what I needed before I did! I have never felt closer to God in those 3 months ever! During the time of me taking this class, we also chose to change churches, we went from First General Baptist to Living Grace and could not have been happier! God blessed us with a wonderful home church in First General and I am forever grateful for every prayer and kind word this church ever gave to us! Living Grace for us was wonderful as well! The people were more than kind! We loved going to Living Grace and meeting all the people there, we miss them all so much!
As went on through the summer, Kaizer had surgery and did remarkable! No pain and very little discomfort! Praise the Lord for that! I can remember telling Tim that maybe he had lost his job so he would have the summer to be with us and do things as a family, but when school started back, he would have a job. I can remember having such a peace about saying that, little did I know just how true that was! So we spent the summer going out and spending time as a family, movies, Abe Lincoln birthplace, and just being together!
After Timmy had put in a countless number of apps around town, we made the choice that he would start looking elsewhere. He looked in Elizabethtown, Lebanon, and eventually Evansville. He finally heard back from TJ Maxx here in Evansville. I knew when he got the call for the interview, that we would be moving and I had no idea how hard that would be. Tim did get the job and sure enough, he started the Monday after Kaizer started school! It was so hard to go to school with him everyday and get so close to all the kids, knowing that in 1 month, we would both have to say goodbye.
Tim started traveling back and fourth every week, Campbellsville to Evansville. That month of travel was hard, Kaizer hated telling his daddy goodbye. One of our last days in class in Campbellsville, I read the kids "Moving Day" from the Berenstein Bears, through lots of tears and sad faces we made it through. Thankfully Kaizer and his class has stayed pen-pals and we try to see them as much as possible! We send videos and letters once a month!
August 28, came and we got a moving truck! It was so strange to pack up our small 2 bedroom apartment and see it all fit in a 14 foot truck! Of course that truck was packed full! We took one more look around and said good-bye to a home we had lived in for 8 years and the only home Kaizer had ever known. Packing up his room was very hard. He had grown from that little 7 pound baby to the 35 pound 6 year old! It took us all day and we finally unloaded the truck late Sat night! The drive up was filled with many tears for me! I love Campbellsville and the small town feel of it, I truly miss Campbellsville!
As we settled into life here in Evansville, things started to get better! Kaizer had some trouble adjusting to school, but we made it! I got a job working for the school system! Tim was working at TJ Maxx, life was good! We had found a new church! We go to Henderson for church at the Holy Name of Jesus Catholic Church! We really love it! I am currently taking the RCIA course to become a Catholic! It is really neat to learn about the church and faith!
In November, Tim was offered a better job, better pay, better hours, so he took it! He left his job at TJ Maxx and now works for PGW! He loves his new job and seems really happy to be there! Kaizer also took a big step! He started talking about wanting to be baptized into the Catholic church! We sat down and talked about with him and let him decide! He got saved at 4 years old while we attended FGBC, but had said no to getting baptized there. He says that he knows that is where God wants him and this is what he wants, how can I say no! So our November was good!
Here we are in December with 10 days left in 2011! As I was taking Kaizer to school on his last day this year, I just started crying. This little boy has been through so much and here we are, made it through his first semester at a new school! He has bounced back better than ever! He won student of the month and a t-shirt! He was so proud! On Dec 17, Kaizer was baptized into the Catholic church! What a truly amazing experience that was!
His baptism was something that truly is more than words! His Godmother is a very dear family friend and someone we love, her name is Kathy! His Godfather is very best friend and someone I could never not have in my life, Drew! To watch Drew and Kathy come together to promise to see my child through his faith was amazing! Kaizer made the choice for himself be Catholic, he is happier and very confident in his choice, what more could I ask for!
As this year comes to a close and I look back over the changes that God brought us through and to, I can truly say I am blessed! Some of these changes were scary and heartbreaking, but we made it! We have made it through one of the scariest moments back in May to both of us having jobs and being stronger in our faith! God has a plan for us, no matter how scared we may be, God knows what HE is doing! Thank you Lord for YOUR plan! I may not have always had the best attitude through the changes, but I am better for going through them! Life is always changing, just lean on God to see you through!

Moving...

After putting this blog off for many weeks now, I guess I am ready to type and release some of these feelings I am keeping inside. The thought of moving was so overwhelming at times that I had no idea where to even start...money, packing, boxes, new school, new jobs, friendships left behind, and yet the unpacking. Needless to say, alot of things I put off til the very last minute, I was still packing as Tim and the guys were packing the truck!
When Tim lost his job in May, after 11 years at Amazon, that was more than I thought I could handle, but when he started applying for jobs in Evansville, I don't know if we even really thought he would get a job here, not because of him, I guess we just thought God wouldn't open this door for us. Of course our plans are never God's plans! God did open the door for us and Tim did get a job in Evansville, so of course we knew moving was our option. I, of course, starting applying for jobs in Evansville as well and I was hired too! It looked like we were Evansville bound!
Coming back home after learning Tim got hired, I took a look at our little apartment that had been home for 8 years and realizing I only had about 5 weeks left in this space, just took my breathe away. For 8 years we had ,ade this apartment home, our very first home together, this is the home we brought Kaizer to, his first steps and first words, all took place in this apartment. How do I pack up these memories and say goodbye?
In Feb 2003 when Tim first got the apartment, I was still in high school, I was only there on the weekends. But when I graduated, I moved in full time! We had a loveseat, a bedroom suite, and a futon mattress, but it was our home! In July of 2003, we got married and had our reciption in this apartment! So many close friends and family came to see us! Oh the memories! I remember thinking how big that apartment was at the time! Little did I know how small that 2 bedroom apartment would become!
In June of 2005, this was the place where I had a wonderful nursery set up to bring home the sweetest little boy ever! This little boy took his first wobbly steps in that nursery, he screamed his first word at 4 months from that nursery, momma! This little nursery had seen him grow from a crib, to a toddler bed, and then into a big boy bed! I had got my mind wrapped around packing his room by myself, not the best choice, lots of tears! After 6 years of my little man, only knowing 1 room as his, it was time to move. I was not prepared for such a task. Looking around that empty space after loading the truck, it was very surreal to remember his room from nursery to now, I choked back many tears, but many fell as well.
Moving also meant leaving behind his school, my little Eagle would soon become a Caze Cougar. I cried his first day of school at CES, so there was no way I could move him! He got the best teacher this year at CES, she is not only his teacher, but one of my close friends! Through his year at CES, we got close to many of the staff members at CES and we hated to leave them. He got his autograph book signed by so many, Mrs. Skaggs, Mrs. Ward, the office staff, most of the people he knew! I am so used to knowing everyone at the school and being able to voice my fears or needs for my child, getting to know this new school, is very hard on me.
Kaizer had his first day of school yesterday and it was not an easy day. He couldn't sleep very good the night before, his little nerves just working overtime. As I was filling out papers for the school, his nerves got the best of him and he threw up. My poor little Peanut wasn't ready and neither was I. Lots of tears for him and I, not that his 2nd day(today) was any better. I hate that this transistion is so hard on him.
Leaving behind all of our friends and family was just as hard as everything else. Going to see my dad was really hard on me, we both cried. We have such great friends in Campbellsville, that we hated to say goodbye too. We had just moved to a wonderful new church family that we had to leave behind as well. Living Grace took us in and treated us like family without judging us, hopefully we find a church just like that here in Evansville!
Sorry this is so jumbled, but just had to get it all out! Just so all our Campbellsville friends know, we love you all so much and we will be back to visit! To those we didn't get to say goodbye to, we are so sorry, but again we will see you all again! I sure hope Evansville is ready for us because we are here to stay! There is no way I am packing up again, at least not for a while anyway!

John 11:4

John 11:4

"When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death.

No, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it."

This verse has been with me for the last couple of days and I praise God for it! This week we had to take Kaizer to the stomach doc in Louisville, which is always stressful to me, when we take him I know 1 of 2 things will happen, more medicine or a hospital visit. This week we escaped the hospital visit, but we did get more medicine, which the insurance company is not wanting to pay for! Yes we could pay it out of pocket, but I can't afford $276 for a 30-day supply of one medicine! Who can! I have been praying/ begging/ crying out to God for the last 2 years for a healing on my child, just to make him whole! As of right now, God hasn't healed him and hasn't made him whole, but I know that God has a mighty plan for my little guy! As I was reading this week in my Experiencing God book, this verse was brought up on 2 separate days and it just really struck me, this is my sign from God! I have never thought that these medical conditions for Kaizer would kill him, but to have the blessed reassurance that God has already taken care of Kaizer's healing in HIS way, not mine, that Jesus will get glorified through this journey with Kaizer, is more than enough of a healing for me!

Kaizer has a healing that you and I can't understand! His healing is having to live with 11 meds a day, knowing his body doesn't work like everyone elses, and being okay with that! How many of us could say we are okay with that, everyday of our lives? At 26, I know I couldn't, but to be 6 and never question a new medicine or ask why do I have to take this many medicines in a day, then he is okay with being just how God made him! God has a mighty plan for this boy, part of this plan included all the medical needs he has! This journey that God intended for him also includes being SAVED at 6! He totally understands what this means and why it is so important for him to make this choice! I am one proud momma!

What a mighty testimony this young child of mine will have in 10 years when someone else at 4, 5, or 6 years of age is living the same life and feels like God has left his side! There will be Kaizer telling his story and sharing God's love with this young child! Kaizer has never questioned why God would give him a belly that doesn't work or lungs that don't get as much air as they should or a heart that doesn't pump right, for him, he is healed in God's eyes and that is what matters! No this illness won't end in death, for Jesus will be glorified through Kaizer's story!

Pushing Through...

As I was out walking today, there were so many new things I noticed! I use to walk everyday, 2 miles a day and now I am lucky to go out walking once a month, pretty pathetic I know, but I am going to get back into it! Walking use to be my one stress reliever that was actually really good for me, my mind, and my soul, the one thing no one could take away from me. I took it away from myself and have no clue why. But anyway, back to my subject! Walking today really opened my eyes to so many of the small things in life, that can relate to the big things in so many other parts of life!
Walking today, I noticed plants coming up through the blacktop and pavement in so many places. Yes I had seen this a thousand times before, but never thought much about it, til now! That little plant is so rooted into that ground, that no matter the barrier in the way, blacktop or pavement, it is going to push through to get to the sunlight and rain it needs to survive. That little plant continue to push through, even when the journey ahead may seem impossible, it just keeps pushing. We have all pulled weeds and plants before and we know how easy they break off in our hands, We have all walked on pavement, we know how hard it is to break or even chip, but this little plant pushes through inches of pavement to see the sunlight and get the rain it needs to survive.
We as Christians should have such a want and desire for God that we push through any storm or situation to see God in all His glory. We are all rooted in God when we become Christians, that no matter how big that storm is that is raging in our life, our desire should be to glorify the Lord and lift up Holy Hands unto him. As a Christian we need a relationship with God to survive, we need to be able to say to Him, hold me father, though the storm is raging, I know I am safe in Your arms! Just as that little plant pushes it way through the hard ground, we should push our way through the raging storm to to get to God. God is our sunshine and rain that we need to survive. Yes it seems hard at times and even impossible, but God is holding out His hand and saying "Come Unto Me."
We are much like the plant, as it is rooted so firmly in the ground, we should be as strongly rooted in the Lord. The little plant doesn't let a lot of pavement stop it from pushing its way through to the sunlight and rain. A lot of times though, we as Christians, myself included, allow the storm to take us under and wonder where was God in all of this. The storms pulls us away from God instead of holding fast to His hand and making the root that much stronger in Him! I am ready to be that little plant and push through the hardships, so my root becomes that much stronger in the Lord! My roots are planted firmly in the Lord, that no storm or anything else Satan or this world has to throw at me, can pull me away. Praise the Lord!

The Good Stuff!

Thursday night as I was sitting in my Experiencing God study group, one of the group members made a very profound statement that has stuck with me! This statement is one of truth and one that all should hear:
When God writes my story, He will only write the good stuff!
Think about that a minute, He will only write the good stuff! As we read in Exodus about Moses story, we find he murdered a man, but as you read in Hebrews, that isn't mentioned. God forgave him of the sins he had committed and he never brings it up again! Wow what a blessing that is! When God forgives us, it is forgiven all the way as the east is from the west! God doesn't throw in our faces that things we did before we were saved, He forgives and that is it! Thank God for that grace!
Now if only we could do the same! We think about the sins we committed everyday and we ask God why forgive me, don't you know what I have done? God knows what we have done, God knew what we were going to do before we ever did it, yet He loves us, pursues us, and forgives us anyway! God sent His son to die for our sins, already knowing what those sins would be. I can just tell you, for me, I don't understand why He would love someone like me for the things I did and I think most of them are pretty horrible.
Even after I got saved and I still chose the road that wasn't the best. I was drinking daily for about 19 months when I was in high school, and there were times it got really scary. There were days I woke up and wondered how I had gotten in the bed because that wasn't the last memory I had. I played the Christian game good though. I was a great Sunday morning Christian, but Sunday afternoon through Saturday, those were my days, not His. He knew how I would be through that time in my life, yet He forgave me and loved me anyway! What amazing grace that is!
It is up to us to forgive ourselves. We can go to the altar every Sunday and cry out to Jesus, but until we lay down our baggage and refuse to pick it up, we will always feel like why me. I am no expert in laying that baggage down and leaving it there, but little by little I am dropping my bags off! Every altar visit, I lose 1 more chain link in my long, long chain of forgiveness. Jesus doesn't want us weighted down by our baggage that He has already forgiven us for, He wants us out changing the world! Jesus set me free when He came into my heart and I truly started to live for Him! I didn't do it right everytime and most of the time, I still don't do it right, but I know when my story is written in the book by God, He won't bring up all the garbage, just the good stuff! Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone!

Disgusted

I am really upset and disgusted at the actions of grown people tonight. We took Kaizer our for ice cream tonight at Baskin Robbins. We took him out as a treat for doing so well in school this week and getting so many AR points. He was student of the week this week and he has 95 AR points, that is a huge deal to us! He has worked hard for those points so he earned this special treat! But anyway! Before we left, we got him dressed, blue jeans shorts and a Phineas and Ferb shirt. We let him pick out his shoes and of course he picked out his John Deere boots! That has become the norm for him, shorts with his boots. He is 5 and he loves his look and you know what I do to! I think he looks very cute, but I am his mom! As we were leaving, a family of 5, 2 adults and 3 teenagers were sitting enjoying their ice cream and the mom of this family took a look at Kaizer, she taps her husband to get him to turn around and look at him as well. They both start to get quite a giggle at my child's outfit of choice. They are grown ups, not kids, grown ups and they were laughing at MY son. I said out loud so I know they heard me, yes he dresses himself and this is what he likes to wear. They gave me quite a look as well, sort of a, how can you let him come out in public like that look. He wore his shorts and boots to school and none of the kids there laughed or made jokes at his expense, but yet this 2 adults had the audacity to do it. You know what he is 5, I have seen adults in much worse than boots and shorts. Hello this is KY, this is what the boys wear here! If you don't like it, then you don't have to look. But you know if you do look at him and you don't like what you see, then STOP LOOKING. Yes, I know he will get picked on in his life, all kids do, but by other children, not adults. As a parent, I am upset and hurt that someone would even laugh at him over such a petty thing. Grow Up or Stop Looking, he is 5 and he looks just fine!
Sorry for the ranting, but this really ticked me off.

10 Years and A Life Later...

Today I turned 26, boy do I feel it! For some reason the only number that has been on my mind all day is 16. I was 16...10 years ago. In those 10 years so much has changed in my life, some for the better and some for the miracles I am still waiting to see! I know God has transformed my life in the last 10 year and I can't wait to see what the next 10, 20, 30, or even 50 years will bring me!

When I turned 16, I lived in Evansville Indiana with my mom. Just me and her, what a wonderful relationship grew out of it just being us! I attended high school at Central and other than that, my life was not real exciting to the outside. There was a part of my life that only a select few saw and so for the most part was very private. I was dating a guy named Ryan, that I thought was going to be "the one", little did I know God had Tim already lined up! If I was out of school, I was with Ryan. He was my whole world and the only 1 person in my life that even I thought mattered.

Ryan and I had a very dependant relationship on one another. He needed me as much as I needed him or so I thought. He was 8 years older than I and so we always had alcohol. We drank together to make the time go by. I don't remember any time when I was with Ryan, one of us didn't have a drink in our hand. The day I turned 16, we split a 6 pack while my mom was working. She worked 2nd shift at Red Cross, which meant after school, it was just me at home. I enjoyed having Ryan there, even if it wasn't the healthiest part of my life.

The weekend I after I turned 16, Ryan was out of town, so one of my friends from Cville came up to see me. Kirk and I were close and had always been. He came up in his moms car on Saturday morning and stayed til Sunday. I was happy to have someone from "home" visiting me! Saturday night, Kirk and I decided we would go drive around town and I could show him more of Evansville. We had decided that I could drive and I thought I would take him over to one of the gravel roads not far from my house. I hit the gas pedal and in about 5 seconds, I saw my whole life, 16 years, pass before my eyes. I had hit the gas pedal, not taking into consideration the weight of the car, Chevy Caprice, and it fish-tailed out of control. The car started veering to the right, which led right into a brick wall, I spun the wheel as fast as I could and it turned to the left. We ended up going through a fence and some trees, coming to a stop in a field. I was so scared and shaking, I couldn't even look at Kirk. He was so silent in the seat next to me. We started the car and drove back home. He left early on Sunday morning, earlier than planned and came back home. He fixed the damage to the car and we never brought it up again. This was the scariest night of my life.

I have thought of that night often in the last 10 years. God had His hand of protection around us that night. Kirk and I don't speak now, but I know that night will live with us forever. Ryan and I broke up in November of 2001 and Tim re-entered my life not long after! Tim and I are going on 8 years of marriage now and Kaizer is such a blessing! When I was 16, I never thought about where I would be at 26! In the last 10 years, who I am has changed so much and who I will be is still a work in progress!

Who I was at 16, has opened my eyes to so much! I was a 16 year old kid with freedom, maybe too much at times. I had the best friend I could ask for in my mom, and she is still my best friend! She was making the best home possible for a difficult and sometimes stubborn 16 year old kid. I did all the things I thought were cool and fun at such an early age that when I was legal to do those things, the appeal was gone. I am proud to be able to say I survived some things that maybe others don't and found a way out of some scary times.

10 years and life later, I am a wife, a mom, a teacher, a child of the King, and most of all I am ME, because of who I was. I wish I had hit the slow down button and done some more true fun things at 16, instead of trying to be the "cool" one. God had a plan for me even back then, even if I couldn't see past the next 30 minutes at 16! God knew at 26, I would be married to hard working and supportive man! He knew I would have the child I had prayed for who is pretty awesome and adorable! He knew I would be planning that child's 6th birthday party! I am thankful God's plan held strong, even when I veered off course!

Sorry for the babble, but I really needed to write tonight!

What a LONG Week...

This past week in the Brockman household was very long for us. What started out as a good week quickly turned sour for us. I never realized how much being at the ER can take so much out of a person until this past week, trust me I don't want to relive a week like this! I wouldn't wish a week like this on anyone!

Monday night while I was at the Women's Bible study, Tim had texted and called. I was gone for about 30 minutes and Kaizer had thrown up 5 times in less than 30 minutes, it could have been more, but who keeps count of such things. I called Tim as I was leaving bible study, have Kaizer ready we are going to the ER. So I get home and down comes my sweet boy carrying his Thomas the Tank Engine trashcan and Tim. We get to the ER and they test him for strep and flu. Both test came back negative, thank God, but that didn't answer the question as to what is wrong with him. The doc came in, took 1 look at Kaizer, and told us he had a stomach virus. This was just from looking at him, no test run, no nothing, just a look. I didn't agree, but doc knows best, right...wrong. We spent 3 hours at the ER for that, I took the doc for his word, finding it hard to believe that that was all it was.
Tuesday I didn't send him to school, partly because he had spent 3 hours in the ER the night before, but also because he had developed a high fever. His fever stayed between 100 and 103 for over 24 hours for the next 2 days. We were doing the tylenol, motrin thing, cool baths, washcloths, trying to make sure he got enough to drink, the whole bit, but nothing could make his fever break. So Wednesday afternoon, back to the ER we go! This time we weren't going without test being run and a true diagnosis of what was going on.
We get to the ER and his fever is 101 almost 102. The same doc comes in and looks at my very pale, very sick little man and says oh he looks good. I told him that no he didn't look good, he was so pale and his eyes were so red. He was not up being his normal busy self, this was not what a good looking kid looked like. The doc decided to do X-rays on his lungs and head, blood work, pee in a cup, strep test, and flu test again. We go to X-ray and get those done, it took most of his energy to stand up to get them done. We get back to Bay 1, his room and the nurse comes in to do the swab test and blood work. He didn't want any of it done, he wanted to go home and watch Disney! It took 3 of us to hold him down for the blood work and swab tests, needless to say while he was crying, I was crying too. It took him a while to pee in the cup, but he finally did, just enough for them to get what they needed! They took a little more blood than the doc asked for, but that was so they wouldn't have to restick him. After the blood work was done and all the test, we waited. Kaizer fell asleep and I know he was wore out. It was all he could do to hold his little head up. The doc finally came in and told me that the swab test were negative, the blood work looked good as did the pee. The X-rays were not so great. Kaizer has sinusitis, hints why he has been so stuffy all week, and his lungs showed a massive viral infection, hints the cough and fever he has. He prescribed him Augmentin, making his 12th drug to take everyday for the next 10 days, then we drop back down to 11!
I had to wait til Thursday to pick up his medicine since Walmart didn't have it on Wed when I dropped off the prescription. I decided on Thursday that Kaizer could use some fresh air, we took him out for about a hour on Thursday night. He ate good and he really seemed to be okay. His fever had broke around 11:00am Thursday morning and he was feeling good. It did him some good to be outside. Friday morning, he went to school, for the first time since Monday! I was just hopeful he would be able to make it all day! He did make it all day! I even went to lunch with him!
After school, we took him prebowling, and even after the week he had, he still bowled a 44! That is pretty great for a little guy who has been sick all week! We went grocery shopping and really enjoyed the day! After dinner, we made a run to Baskin Robbins and then to Kroger! Of course at Kroger, Kaizer wanted the car cart, so of course we gave in! You know when your child is tired, when he falls asleep in the car cart! He got very quiet in the store and I really didn't think much of it, just as long as he stayed in the cart, Tim took 1 look at him and he was asleep! Too bad I didn't have my camera!
Needless to say after 2 3-hour trips to the ER, we have had a longer week than we wanted. I never want to relive again. The weekend has been on upswing for us and I am hopeing we stay on the upswing! Just say a prayer for us that all the sickness stays away from us!

The More Things Change...The More They Stay The Same

Just as the title says, the more things change, the more they stay the same, this is the one phrase I can find to define my life as of now. We seem to be going through changes in our home, but it seems like those changes are keeping us in the same routine. I feel like our life is being dictated by this doctor visit or that doctor visit, or start this medicine or drop down a dosage in this medicine. It seems like in just the past few weeks, our lives have taken on big changes, that I am still getting used to.

Doctor visits and medicine seem to rule Kaizer's life, more than anything. He is now on 11 meds a day and who knows when this will change. He gets allergy shots twice a week, which he hates, but he knows he has to have them. He takes 6, sometimes 7 meds before first thing in the morning, add on his 2nd dose of medicine at lunch, and then at dinner he takes 2 more doses of medicine. Before bed he takes 3 to 4 more meds. He is one tough little guy. He has been on meds since he was 4 months old, for him this is just a part of life. We do try to give him at least 1 day a month to be med free, we have only done it twice and it seems to have a negative effect on him. He can't quit the meds without horrible breathing and stomach problems. I am thankful he has the meds so that he can function in his day to day life, don't get me wrong, but I do hope for that one day when he will need no meds to make it through! Oh what a great day that will be! I keep a check-off list taped to my cabinets to make sure I know exactly what he has been given and trust me, I get made fun of for having it, but that has been my norm for so long! I need this list to function! I can't even imagine trying to make it through the day without my list!

Another big change was leaving our church. This decision wasn't easy to make for us and we had been praying on it for some time. FGBC was like our family and we are thankful for every prayer and encouraging word we got from the people there. We felt it was time for us to go when we hit a spiritual stand still. Our desire to go to church was gone and we really didn't care if we were there or not, that is how bad it got for us. Leaving FGBC was a hard choice for us, but we know it was the right one. FGBC was our first true "family" church. If it wasn't for us sending Kaizer out there for VBS in 2009, who knows where we would be now! Kaizer learned so much about Jesus and God in our short time there and that means more to me than words could say! Who knows if we will ever be back out there, but if we don't then I know God has a plan for us!

Our changes come and we take them all in stride, that is all we know how to do. Our life will always be in one changing cycle or another, but I wouldn't have my life any other way! This is the life given to me by the big man upstairs through many answered and unanswered prayers, thankful for every blessing I have!

Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is a huge part of our life right now...And it is a horrible thing to go through. Since about September, Kaizer has had horrible anxiety about having to leave us. He cries and doesn't want to let go of me or Tim. He doesn't want to stay with anyone, but us, which means no time for Tim and I. I have never experienced this before and I really don't know how to help Kaizer understand that I am not going anywhere or that I will be back to get him.

Every morning at school or at least 95% of the time, he cries and doesn't want to go into class. It has gotten so bad that Mrs. Ward has had to come and drag him off of me. It breaks my heart and makes me want to cry as well. The only thing I can think of that would even trigger all of this would be the one day, back in September, I was late to pick him up from school. I didn't get there until 3:10 or so, he wasn't crying or even upset. He was sitting in the office, perfectly fine, but since that day, it has been very bad.

Even at church, he is getting very upset when it is time for Children's Church or even to go downstairs on Wed nights. He loves church and he loves the people at church, but he is so scared to leave us. Tonight at dinner, as we were talking about taking Kaizer to the church daycare, so Tim and I could go to dinner and have a night away, he broke down in tears, not just a little bit of tears, I mean full on crying. We asked him why he was acting like this and his answer was that he doesn't want to be away from us because if he isn't with us, we will forget him. We all know that we would never forget him, but he is convinced we will. I don't know where he got this idea or anything. Of course as he was breaking down crying, mom was tearing up as well.
I just wish I knew why he felt this way and where he got this idea. We have tried somethings, but nothing has seemed to help. We gave him pictures to carry in his pocket, I gave him one of my bowling pins to carry around, I leave notes in his lunch box, what else can I do? I hate this stage in his life, I hate that he is going through this. I really just hate it all.
I want him to be okay with going places without us. I want him to know that it is okay, we will always come back. I want him to know that we will never forget him. I don't know what else to do to help him. I don't know how to help him.

Separation anxiety has turned our life upside down. It has made almost impossible to leave our child with anyone. If one of us isn't with him, he doesn't seem like himself. I wish I had the answers to make him him once again.

Memories...

Kaizer and Granny B, age 2!

With Christmas coming up in just a few more days, that endless question seems to be asked in every conversation, are you done shopping or what do you want for Christmas? I asked my mom what she would like for Christmas, she didn't tell me anything right away or even for a while. We were on the phone the subject changed to our trip to Gulf Shores that is coming up and what all everyone had got for Kaizer and what we had got for Griff, and just on to the days events. We ended the conversation and she still hadn't told me anything that she wanted for Christmas, so there I sat with still no clue.

We hadn't been off the phone for even an hour and the phone was ringing, it was my momma, she told me she wanted me to write down the memories of my Great Grandma B a.k.a Nanny B and my grandparents. I was shocked and very taken aback by what she was asking given the relationship of my grandparents and I and how young I was when my Nanny B when she passed away. I asked her many times if she was sure that is what she wanted and I even told her that she didn't want my memories of my grandparents, most of them weren't that great. But she assured me that is what she wanted, my memories. She even asked me to call my brother and tell him the same thing, he had the same response as I did.

I only have 1 strong memory of my Nanny B and she was the best! She lived in a high rise of the north side of Evansville and we had gone to her apartment for Sunday dinner after church, I was probably 5 years old. I remember she had a step stool she pulled out for me to use as a seat, I loved that step stool and have no clue why! Of course Nanny had chocolate ice cream and I remember asking her for some, of course mom and dad both said no, but that didn't stop Nanny, she gave me a small bowl with 2 scoops in it before lunch! See my Nanny B was the best! This is my one and only memory of her, but I sure wish that I had more!

Now when it comes to my grandparents, I have many memories, some are better than others. My grandma was an AVON lady my whole life, so we always knew what we were getting for birthdays and Christmas, you didn't even have to think about it, always AVON! How much AVON does 1 child need! Not as much as she gave! LOL My grandma knew how to cook, deviled eggs, gravy, I miss her cooking! The holidays just aren't the same! She always had pickles at her house, in all different flavors, guess that is where my love of pickles comes from! In the 23 years of my life, I never saw my grandmothers' real hair color, how unreal is that! She had a hair and nail appointment every Friday and she never missed it!

My grandfather is different story. He was a man very set in his ways and very set in the way he thought things should be. He was a quiet man, we never really spoke much. I can remember going to his house and he would smoke his pipe, oh how I loved the smell of his pipe. Such a bad habit, but it sure smelled good. While I was in high school, I used to walk down to his house everyday after school and he would watch the same shows, Great Cooks of America at 3:00 and Great Cooks of the World at 3:30. He wouldn't change the channel during commercials, he would just put the TV on mute! If I ever needed a ride, I would always ask for him to come get me, he drove the fastest of the 2!

This Christmas as I was putting out decorations, it really hit me hard for some reason. My grandpa went into the hospital Christmas day of 1999 and never came home, he had a brain aneurysm and died February 23 2000. I remember going to see him and he was in a coma, I only went to the hospital like 3 or 4 times in the whole 8 weeks he was there. My mom came home and told me, it's over, he passed away, and I didn't believe her. I never thought that the Christmas of 1999 was the last one I would get with him, ever. I know he would have loved to see Kaizer and play with him! He would have been a much better great grandfather than he ever was a grandfather and I know this! For one thing, Kaizer is a boy, makes it a little easier on him!

After my grandfather passed, my grandmother and I got alot closer. We had dinner together at least twice a week, always at the same places, Sunday night was always JoJo's and Wednesday night was always The Merry Go Round! 2 things in her life that never changed! She used to come and watch me bowl in competitions and cheer me on. Kaizer was 8 weeks old when she finally got to meet him and he was the apple of her eye! Oh she loved my son with everything that was in her! She told everyone about him and showed off all the pictures she could of him! She was so proud of her great grandson! She was the best Granny B in the world to him! Everytime we would go to Evansville, she would put Kaizer on her lap and just hold him and play with him and you could so much joy in her eyes when he was around! In the last 2 years of her life, she got to where she needed a walker 24/7, so she got one that came with a seat on it. I can remember going to see her and she would put Kaizer on the seat and just walk him around and showing him off and telling him all sorts of stories! I wish I had that relationship with my grandma like he did, but I know what they had is special.

My grandma passed away on April 21 2008, 2 days before I turned 23. The last time I saw her, was in March of 2008 and she didn't know who I was. I miss her so much! She loved raccoons and now Kaizer has at least 3 in his room that were hers! As I was putting up my decorations this year, I pulled out some of her ornaments and it choked me up! I remember them being on her tree, but now they are on mine. Her nativity set, which I love, is now at my house, but I remember being at hers! I miss my grandma alot and this year it has just hit me worse than before and I don't know why. I wish she could be here to watch Kaizer ride his bike, learn to swim, cheer him on he bowls, all the things a grandparent should get to do. I know she rejoices up in Heaven with my Nanny B, but I would much rather have her here!

A Mother's Heart

Just a poem that I have had on my heart, hope you all enjoy!

A Mother's Heart

A mother's heart
Breaks when her baby cries
Rejoices when she sees her baby succeed

A mother's heart
Feels the pain of her child
Would take the pain of her child

A mother's heart
Walks outside herself
For the rest of her life

A mother's heart
Is in protection mode
Whenever as she watches her baby
Go out into this big scary world

A mother's heart
Is no longer hers
When her baby is born

A mother's heart
Will forever and always
Be filled with love, tears, and hopes!


My heart never knew such love, joy, sadness, and pain until I had Kaizer, 5 years ago. I have watched my baby fight through so much and I have cried many tears over my son, sad tears and joyful tears! He is my bright and shinning star! I am blessed beyond words that God gave me my mother's heart, and I will always and forever, remember that first kick, that first cry, and most of all the first time I saw my baby!

Beautiful

I was driving home yesterday and I was rocking out to KLOVE, that only station ever played in my car and this song, "Beautiful" by MercyMe came on the radio! I had never heard it before and the first lyric just caught me! The lyrics just spoke so much to me and it was all I could do to hold it together!

Beautiful by MercyMe

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart, they would see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, and You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you held inside you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, and You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful in His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are scared, and You are His.

There are so many times in my life, I have felt beat down and just not worth anything to anyone, but there was always one, who was holding my hand and pulling me through, screaming, You are Beautiful, You are Mine! Praise the Lord, I am a child of the King! Even when I don't feel top great about myself and I am just beating myself up, there is the Great and Mighty Lord, telling me I am beautiful!
When I was younger, I was having a hard time accepting where I was in my life and I was doing some pretty horrible things. I was drinking everyday and doing some other things, that I am not very proud of, Satan has used that time in my life to really just beat me down. He uses the way I use to be to keep me from moving forward in my walk with the Lord. Satan tells me the God could never love someone who had the life I once had and did the things I once did. I have believed that lie from Satan more than once and it sucks. The song says, that God loved before I ever took a breath, not just loved me, but madly loved me! If God can love me even after the life I once lived, He is one amazing man! There are times, I don't even love me after the life I lived, but God is there to pick my head up and tell me, I treasure you, you are sacred, and you are more than all of that!
I am more than that life I once lived, I am more than the lies that Satan tells me to keep me down. I am treasured and I am His! I can't tell you how much that blesses me! No matter what Satan throws at you, always remember You are His, You are treasured, You are sacred, and You are so much more than all of that!

Hosea 13:6

"When I fed them, they were satisfied; when the were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." Hosea 13:6(NIV)

Such a powerful verse! Have you ever been so hungry for the Lord, you just couldn't get enough of Him? Have you ever just wanted more and more of Him until you thought you could burst? Last night at bible study this scripture started the talk for us, and since then, this scripture has stuck with me! Kristin posed the question to us, when we think about our heaven, does it include everyone we love and all the things we enjoy? Does this heaven also have Jesus in it? Would it be the perfect heaven if Jesus wasn't there? Just think about that a minute. I had never thought about something like that before, is Jesus there or not there? I had always just assumed that of course Jesus would be there, but as the question was raised, my thoughts just got so jumbled up with the people in my life I love the most, the ones here and the ones who have gone on before. Of course I want my family to be there and to be able to spend forever with them where there is no sickness or pain, just happy, healthy people. But then of course, did I ever see Jesus in my heaven, like I said I had assumed always He would just be there. As I sat and really thought about my Heaven after bible study last night, it really hit me hard. It can't be Heaven with my Lord there for me to worship and spend my days with! Yes I want my family and friends there, but more than anything else, I want my Jesus to be there!

The scripture above hit me with such conviction, that I just couldn't believe it. Do we get so full on God and become so proud with Him, that we don't turn to him like we should? Do we always keep that first in love feeling with him? Another question posed by Kristin! When we first get saved, we are so on fire for Christ that nothing could stop us, but over time, the fire begins to burn out and then we are just get satisfied with Christ. We should always keep that first in love feeling with Him, He desires that from us! I can remember when I first got saved and all I wanted to do was be at church, but slowly that all changed. It didn't matter to me if I missed church or even if I picked up my bible, we should never get like that! I had gotten full and satisfied with the Lord, I had gotten proud, and I had forgotten all the good He has done for me! It took me many years to find my way back to that all consuming fire and passion to know more about my Lord and to worship Him the way I should! I hope and pray to never become so proud and satisfied again!

My Savior's Always There For Me

I was coming home today, I had on K-Love and the song "My Savior, My God" by Aaron Shust was playing and as I listened to the lyrics it just hit me. I have heard this song 100 times and I know the lyrics by heart, but today it took on a whole new meaning for me. I have been through so much in my life and just to know that My Savior's Always There For Me was so powerful! At the times in my life where I have felt the most alone and felt like I could turn to no one, there was God just reaching down and telling me to turn to Him! There were times in my life that I didn't want to turn to God and I wanted so much to blame God for all that has happened in my life and yet He was still right there waiting for me, how powerful of a message!
I can remember a time right after my parents had separated and I had moved 180 miles away from what I knew as my home, I just couldn't fathom the thought of God even being anywhere close to where I needed him to be. I was attending church before my parents and I prayed for my parents to not separate and for God to make them fall in love again. I was on the altar praying my heart out and crying out to God, please just hear my cry. My parents did split and after that, church was the last place I wanted to be. I remember shouting at God, why would you let this happen, how could you let this happen. It took me many years to realize that the choices my parents made had nothing to do with God, they made the choice.
Through some of the other hardships of life, I have realized that MY SAVIOR WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, just waiting for me to accept him and let him be my comfort when I needed it most. Even in the worse moments of life, God has used His infinite wisdom and power to show me the good in all! I may not have always felt the giant hand of God, but I know now He Was Always There For Me, just waiting for me to grab on! Praise God, My Savior Lives, My Savior Loves, and most of all, MY SAVIOR'S ALWAYS THERE FOR ME!