Life Is All About Changes...

It isn't the changes that matter, it is how you react to those changes! Your reaction to these changes make you who you are!

This was the phrase I heard today while watching an old episode of Boy Meets World. This phrase for some would strike a chord and maybe for others, it wouldn't mean a thing! For me this one line hit me so hard and it really hard. Change has been the major standout of this year for my family and I! Who would have thought when 2011 started for us in Campbellsville KY, that our 2011 would end for us in Evansville Indiana! What a great and mighty change this has been! As I look back on 2011 for the Brockman 3, changes big and small have been with us all year!
As our year started, we could have never imagined that 5 months into the year, Tim would lose his job. I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was Friday May 13, the day started as any other, Tim off to work, Kaizer and I off to school. After school Kaizer and I paid bills and went to the grocery store. We got back to the house around 4, to find Tim sitting there. I knew the minute I saw him, something bad had happened. I had always joked with him when he came home early, "Oh, did you get fired? Is that why you are home early, or could you just not stand us starting the weekend 2 hours before you!" But that day, when he said he did get fired, I just broke. I stood in shock and denial, having no clue what to say, what to do. I knew that our life would never be the same again. We were behind on a few bills and had no way of catching them up. I cried most for the night and most of the weekend. I had no clue what we were going to do and how we could make ends meet.
We went to church that Sunday morning and Tim and I went to the altar and prayed, cried out to God for answers. I can still hear Bro. Gary's prayer over us that morning, "Lord, I know it seems right now that all hell is breaking lose, but give them peace and understanding that You are holding their hands and walking them through this." I felt so much better after that prayer, I knew somewhere, somehow we were going to make it through this. God had a plan bigger and better than what we could see at that time.
A week after Tim lost his job, I started taking a Experiencing God class at Living Grace and what a blessing that was! God knew what I needed before I did! I have never felt closer to God in those 3 months ever! During the time of me taking this class, we also chose to change churches, we went from First General Baptist to Living Grace and could not have been happier! God blessed us with a wonderful home church in First General and I am forever grateful for every prayer and kind word this church ever gave to us! Living Grace for us was wonderful as well! The people were more than kind! We loved going to Living Grace and meeting all the people there, we miss them all so much!
As went on through the summer, Kaizer had surgery and did remarkable! No pain and very little discomfort! Praise the Lord for that! I can remember telling Tim that maybe he had lost his job so he would have the summer to be with us and do things as a family, but when school started back, he would have a job. I can remember having such a peace about saying that, little did I know just how true that was! So we spent the summer going out and spending time as a family, movies, Abe Lincoln birthplace, and just being together!
After Timmy had put in a countless number of apps around town, we made the choice that he would start looking elsewhere. He looked in Elizabethtown, Lebanon, and eventually Evansville. He finally heard back from TJ Maxx here in Evansville. I knew when he got the call for the interview, that we would be moving and I had no idea how hard that would be. Tim did get the job and sure enough, he started the Monday after Kaizer started school! It was so hard to go to school with him everyday and get so close to all the kids, knowing that in 1 month, we would both have to say goodbye.
Tim started traveling back and fourth every week, Campbellsville to Evansville. That month of travel was hard, Kaizer hated telling his daddy goodbye. One of our last days in class in Campbellsville, I read the kids "Moving Day" from the Berenstein Bears, through lots of tears and sad faces we made it through. Thankfully Kaizer and his class has stayed pen-pals and we try to see them as much as possible! We send videos and letters once a month!
August 28, came and we got a moving truck! It was so strange to pack up our small 2 bedroom apartment and see it all fit in a 14 foot truck! Of course that truck was packed full! We took one more look around and said good-bye to a home we had lived in for 8 years and the only home Kaizer had ever known. Packing up his room was very hard. He had grown from that little 7 pound baby to the 35 pound 6 year old! It took us all day and we finally unloaded the truck late Sat night! The drive up was filled with many tears for me! I love Campbellsville and the small town feel of it, I truly miss Campbellsville!
As we settled into life here in Evansville, things started to get better! Kaizer had some trouble adjusting to school, but we made it! I got a job working for the school system! Tim was working at TJ Maxx, life was good! We had found a new church! We go to Henderson for church at the Holy Name of Jesus Catholic Church! We really love it! I am currently taking the RCIA course to become a Catholic! It is really neat to learn about the church and faith!
In November, Tim was offered a better job, better pay, better hours, so he took it! He left his job at TJ Maxx and now works for PGW! He loves his new job and seems really happy to be there! Kaizer also took a big step! He started talking about wanting to be baptized into the Catholic church! We sat down and talked about with him and let him decide! He got saved at 4 years old while we attended FGBC, but had said no to getting baptized there. He says that he knows that is where God wants him and this is what he wants, how can I say no! So our November was good!
Here we are in December with 10 days left in 2011! As I was taking Kaizer to school on his last day this year, I just started crying. This little boy has been through so much and here we are, made it through his first semester at a new school! He has bounced back better than ever! He won student of the month and a t-shirt! He was so proud! On Dec 17, Kaizer was baptized into the Catholic church! What a truly amazing experience that was!
His baptism was something that truly is more than words! His Godmother is a very dear family friend and someone we love, her name is Kathy! His Godfather is very best friend and someone I could never not have in my life, Drew! To watch Drew and Kathy come together to promise to see my child through his faith was amazing! Kaizer made the choice for himself be Catholic, he is happier and very confident in his choice, what more could I ask for!
As this year comes to a close and I look back over the changes that God brought us through and to, I can truly say I am blessed! Some of these changes were scary and heartbreaking, but we made it! We have made it through one of the scariest moments back in May to both of us having jobs and being stronger in our faith! God has a plan for us, no matter how scared we may be, God knows what HE is doing! Thank you Lord for YOUR plan! I may not have always had the best attitude through the changes, but I am better for going through them! Life is always changing, just lean on God to see you through!

Moving...

After putting this blog off for many weeks now, I guess I am ready to type and release some of these feelings I am keeping inside. The thought of moving was so overwhelming at times that I had no idea where to even start...money, packing, boxes, new school, new jobs, friendships left behind, and yet the unpacking. Needless to say, alot of things I put off til the very last minute, I was still packing as Tim and the guys were packing the truck!
When Tim lost his job in May, after 11 years at Amazon, that was more than I thought I could handle, but when he started applying for jobs in Evansville, I don't know if we even really thought he would get a job here, not because of him, I guess we just thought God wouldn't open this door for us. Of course our plans are never God's plans! God did open the door for us and Tim did get a job in Evansville, so of course we knew moving was our option. I, of course, starting applying for jobs in Evansville as well and I was hired too! It looked like we were Evansville bound!
Coming back home after learning Tim got hired, I took a look at our little apartment that had been home for 8 years and realizing I only had about 5 weeks left in this space, just took my breathe away. For 8 years we had ,ade this apartment home, our very first home together, this is the home we brought Kaizer to, his first steps and first words, all took place in this apartment. How do I pack up these memories and say goodbye?
In Feb 2003 when Tim first got the apartment, I was still in high school, I was only there on the weekends. But when I graduated, I moved in full time! We had a loveseat, a bedroom suite, and a futon mattress, but it was our home! In July of 2003, we got married and had our reciption in this apartment! So many close friends and family came to see us! Oh the memories! I remember thinking how big that apartment was at the time! Little did I know how small that 2 bedroom apartment would become!
In June of 2005, this was the place where I had a wonderful nursery set up to bring home the sweetest little boy ever! This little boy took his first wobbly steps in that nursery, he screamed his first word at 4 months from that nursery, momma! This little nursery had seen him grow from a crib, to a toddler bed, and then into a big boy bed! I had got my mind wrapped around packing his room by myself, not the best choice, lots of tears! After 6 years of my little man, only knowing 1 room as his, it was time to move. I was not prepared for such a task. Looking around that empty space after loading the truck, it was very surreal to remember his room from nursery to now, I choked back many tears, but many fell as well.
Moving also meant leaving behind his school, my little Eagle would soon become a Caze Cougar. I cried his first day of school at CES, so there was no way I could move him! He got the best teacher this year at CES, she is not only his teacher, but one of my close friends! Through his year at CES, we got close to many of the staff members at CES and we hated to leave them. He got his autograph book signed by so many, Mrs. Skaggs, Mrs. Ward, the office staff, most of the people he knew! I am so used to knowing everyone at the school and being able to voice my fears or needs for my child, getting to know this new school, is very hard on me.
Kaizer had his first day of school yesterday and it was not an easy day. He couldn't sleep very good the night before, his little nerves just working overtime. As I was filling out papers for the school, his nerves got the best of him and he threw up. My poor little Peanut wasn't ready and neither was I. Lots of tears for him and I, not that his 2nd day(today) was any better. I hate that this transistion is so hard on him.
Leaving behind all of our friends and family was just as hard as everything else. Going to see my dad was really hard on me, we both cried. We have such great friends in Campbellsville, that we hated to say goodbye too. We had just moved to a wonderful new church family that we had to leave behind as well. Living Grace took us in and treated us like family without judging us, hopefully we find a church just like that here in Evansville!
Sorry this is so jumbled, but just had to get it all out! Just so all our Campbellsville friends know, we love you all so much and we will be back to visit! To those we didn't get to say goodbye to, we are so sorry, but again we will see you all again! I sure hope Evansville is ready for us because we are here to stay! There is no way I am packing up again, at least not for a while anyway!

John 11:4

John 11:4

"When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death.

No, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it."

This verse has been with me for the last couple of days and I praise God for it! This week we had to take Kaizer to the stomach doc in Louisville, which is always stressful to me, when we take him I know 1 of 2 things will happen, more medicine or a hospital visit. This week we escaped the hospital visit, but we did get more medicine, which the insurance company is not wanting to pay for! Yes we could pay it out of pocket, but I can't afford $276 for a 30-day supply of one medicine! Who can! I have been praying/ begging/ crying out to God for the last 2 years for a healing on my child, just to make him whole! As of right now, God hasn't healed him and hasn't made him whole, but I know that God has a mighty plan for my little guy! As I was reading this week in my Experiencing God book, this verse was brought up on 2 separate days and it just really struck me, this is my sign from God! I have never thought that these medical conditions for Kaizer would kill him, but to have the blessed reassurance that God has already taken care of Kaizer's healing in HIS way, not mine, that Jesus will get glorified through this journey with Kaizer, is more than enough of a healing for me!

Kaizer has a healing that you and I can't understand! His healing is having to live with 11 meds a day, knowing his body doesn't work like everyone elses, and being okay with that! How many of us could say we are okay with that, everyday of our lives? At 26, I know I couldn't, but to be 6 and never question a new medicine or ask why do I have to take this many medicines in a day, then he is okay with being just how God made him! God has a mighty plan for this boy, part of this plan included all the medical needs he has! This journey that God intended for him also includes being SAVED at 6! He totally understands what this means and why it is so important for him to make this choice! I am one proud momma!

What a mighty testimony this young child of mine will have in 10 years when someone else at 4, 5, or 6 years of age is living the same life and feels like God has left his side! There will be Kaizer telling his story and sharing God's love with this young child! Kaizer has never questioned why God would give him a belly that doesn't work or lungs that don't get as much air as they should or a heart that doesn't pump right, for him, he is healed in God's eyes and that is what matters! No this illness won't end in death, for Jesus will be glorified through Kaizer's story!

Pushing Through...

As I was out walking today, there were so many new things I noticed! I use to walk everyday, 2 miles a day and now I am lucky to go out walking once a month, pretty pathetic I know, but I am going to get back into it! Walking use to be my one stress reliever that was actually really good for me, my mind, and my soul, the one thing no one could take away from me. I took it away from myself and have no clue why. But anyway, back to my subject! Walking today really opened my eyes to so many of the small things in life, that can relate to the big things in so many other parts of life!
Walking today, I noticed plants coming up through the blacktop and pavement in so many places. Yes I had seen this a thousand times before, but never thought much about it, til now! That little plant is so rooted into that ground, that no matter the barrier in the way, blacktop or pavement, it is going to push through to get to the sunlight and rain it needs to survive. That little plant continue to push through, even when the journey ahead may seem impossible, it just keeps pushing. We have all pulled weeds and plants before and we know how easy they break off in our hands, We have all walked on pavement, we know how hard it is to break or even chip, but this little plant pushes through inches of pavement to see the sunlight and get the rain it needs to survive.
We as Christians should have such a want and desire for God that we push through any storm or situation to see God in all His glory. We are all rooted in God when we become Christians, that no matter how big that storm is that is raging in our life, our desire should be to glorify the Lord and lift up Holy Hands unto him. As a Christian we need a relationship with God to survive, we need to be able to say to Him, hold me father, though the storm is raging, I know I am safe in Your arms! Just as that little plant pushes it way through the hard ground, we should push our way through the raging storm to to get to God. God is our sunshine and rain that we need to survive. Yes it seems hard at times and even impossible, but God is holding out His hand and saying "Come Unto Me."
We are much like the plant, as it is rooted so firmly in the ground, we should be as strongly rooted in the Lord. The little plant doesn't let a lot of pavement stop it from pushing its way through to the sunlight and rain. A lot of times though, we as Christians, myself included, allow the storm to take us under and wonder where was God in all of this. The storms pulls us away from God instead of holding fast to His hand and making the root that much stronger in Him! I am ready to be that little plant and push through the hardships, so my root becomes that much stronger in the Lord! My roots are planted firmly in the Lord, that no storm or anything else Satan or this world has to throw at me, can pull me away. Praise the Lord!

The Good Stuff!

Thursday night as I was sitting in my Experiencing God study group, one of the group members made a very profound statement that has stuck with me! This statement is one of truth and one that all should hear:
When God writes my story, He will only write the good stuff!
Think about that a minute, He will only write the good stuff! As we read in Exodus about Moses story, we find he murdered a man, but as you read in Hebrews, that isn't mentioned. God forgave him of the sins he had committed and he never brings it up again! Wow what a blessing that is! When God forgives us, it is forgiven all the way as the east is from the west! God doesn't throw in our faces that things we did before we were saved, He forgives and that is it! Thank God for that grace!
Now if only we could do the same! We think about the sins we committed everyday and we ask God why forgive me, don't you know what I have done? God knows what we have done, God knew what we were going to do before we ever did it, yet He loves us, pursues us, and forgives us anyway! God sent His son to die for our sins, already knowing what those sins would be. I can just tell you, for me, I don't understand why He would love someone like me for the things I did and I think most of them are pretty horrible.
Even after I got saved and I still chose the road that wasn't the best. I was drinking daily for about 19 months when I was in high school, and there were times it got really scary. There were days I woke up and wondered how I had gotten in the bed because that wasn't the last memory I had. I played the Christian game good though. I was a great Sunday morning Christian, but Sunday afternoon through Saturday, those were my days, not His. He knew how I would be through that time in my life, yet He forgave me and loved me anyway! What amazing grace that is!
It is up to us to forgive ourselves. We can go to the altar every Sunday and cry out to Jesus, but until we lay down our baggage and refuse to pick it up, we will always feel like why me. I am no expert in laying that baggage down and leaving it there, but little by little I am dropping my bags off! Every altar visit, I lose 1 more chain link in my long, long chain of forgiveness. Jesus doesn't want us weighted down by our baggage that He has already forgiven us for, He wants us out changing the world! Jesus set me free when He came into my heart and I truly started to live for Him! I didn't do it right everytime and most of the time, I still don't do it right, but I know when my story is written in the book by God, He won't bring up all the garbage, just the good stuff! Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone!

Disgusted

I am really upset and disgusted at the actions of grown people tonight. We took Kaizer our for ice cream tonight at Baskin Robbins. We took him out as a treat for doing so well in school this week and getting so many AR points. He was student of the week this week and he has 95 AR points, that is a huge deal to us! He has worked hard for those points so he earned this special treat! But anyway! Before we left, we got him dressed, blue jeans shorts and a Phineas and Ferb shirt. We let him pick out his shoes and of course he picked out his John Deere boots! That has become the norm for him, shorts with his boots. He is 5 and he loves his look and you know what I do to! I think he looks very cute, but I am his mom! As we were leaving, a family of 5, 2 adults and 3 teenagers were sitting enjoying their ice cream and the mom of this family took a look at Kaizer, she taps her husband to get him to turn around and look at him as well. They both start to get quite a giggle at my child's outfit of choice. They are grown ups, not kids, grown ups and they were laughing at MY son. I said out loud so I know they heard me, yes he dresses himself and this is what he likes to wear. They gave me quite a look as well, sort of a, how can you let him come out in public like that look. He wore his shorts and boots to school and none of the kids there laughed or made jokes at his expense, but yet this 2 adults had the audacity to do it. You know what he is 5, I have seen adults in much worse than boots and shorts. Hello this is KY, this is what the boys wear here! If you don't like it, then you don't have to look. But you know if you do look at him and you don't like what you see, then STOP LOOKING. Yes, I know he will get picked on in his life, all kids do, but by other children, not adults. As a parent, I am upset and hurt that someone would even laugh at him over such a petty thing. Grow Up or Stop Looking, he is 5 and he looks just fine!
Sorry for the ranting, but this really ticked me off.

10 Years and A Life Later...

Today I turned 26, boy do I feel it! For some reason the only number that has been on my mind all day is 16. I was 16...10 years ago. In those 10 years so much has changed in my life, some for the better and some for the miracles I am still waiting to see! I know God has transformed my life in the last 10 year and I can't wait to see what the next 10, 20, 30, or even 50 years will bring me!

When I turned 16, I lived in Evansville Indiana with my mom. Just me and her, what a wonderful relationship grew out of it just being us! I attended high school at Central and other than that, my life was not real exciting to the outside. There was a part of my life that only a select few saw and so for the most part was very private. I was dating a guy named Ryan, that I thought was going to be "the one", little did I know God had Tim already lined up! If I was out of school, I was with Ryan. He was my whole world and the only 1 person in my life that even I thought mattered.

Ryan and I had a very dependant relationship on one another. He needed me as much as I needed him or so I thought. He was 8 years older than I and so we always had alcohol. We drank together to make the time go by. I don't remember any time when I was with Ryan, one of us didn't have a drink in our hand. The day I turned 16, we split a 6 pack while my mom was working. She worked 2nd shift at Red Cross, which meant after school, it was just me at home. I enjoyed having Ryan there, even if it wasn't the healthiest part of my life.

The weekend I after I turned 16, Ryan was out of town, so one of my friends from Cville came up to see me. Kirk and I were close and had always been. He came up in his moms car on Saturday morning and stayed til Sunday. I was happy to have someone from "home" visiting me! Saturday night, Kirk and I decided we would go drive around town and I could show him more of Evansville. We had decided that I could drive and I thought I would take him over to one of the gravel roads not far from my house. I hit the gas pedal and in about 5 seconds, I saw my whole life, 16 years, pass before my eyes. I had hit the gas pedal, not taking into consideration the weight of the car, Chevy Caprice, and it fish-tailed out of control. The car started veering to the right, which led right into a brick wall, I spun the wheel as fast as I could and it turned to the left. We ended up going through a fence and some trees, coming to a stop in a field. I was so scared and shaking, I couldn't even look at Kirk. He was so silent in the seat next to me. We started the car and drove back home. He left early on Sunday morning, earlier than planned and came back home. He fixed the damage to the car and we never brought it up again. This was the scariest night of my life.

I have thought of that night often in the last 10 years. God had His hand of protection around us that night. Kirk and I don't speak now, but I know that night will live with us forever. Ryan and I broke up in November of 2001 and Tim re-entered my life not long after! Tim and I are going on 8 years of marriage now and Kaizer is such a blessing! When I was 16, I never thought about where I would be at 26! In the last 10 years, who I am has changed so much and who I will be is still a work in progress!

Who I was at 16, has opened my eyes to so much! I was a 16 year old kid with freedom, maybe too much at times. I had the best friend I could ask for in my mom, and she is still my best friend! She was making the best home possible for a difficult and sometimes stubborn 16 year old kid. I did all the things I thought were cool and fun at such an early age that when I was legal to do those things, the appeal was gone. I am proud to be able to say I survived some things that maybe others don't and found a way out of some scary times.

10 years and life later, I am a wife, a mom, a teacher, a child of the King, and most of all I am ME, because of who I was. I wish I had hit the slow down button and done some more true fun things at 16, instead of trying to be the "cool" one. God had a plan for me even back then, even if I couldn't see past the next 30 minutes at 16! God knew at 26, I would be married to hard working and supportive man! He knew I would have the child I had prayed for who is pretty awesome and adorable! He knew I would be planning that child's 6th birthday party! I am thankful God's plan held strong, even when I veered off course!

Sorry for the babble, but I really needed to write tonight!

What a LONG Week...

This past week in the Brockman household was very long for us. What started out as a good week quickly turned sour for us. I never realized how much being at the ER can take so much out of a person until this past week, trust me I don't want to relive a week like this! I wouldn't wish a week like this on anyone!

Monday night while I was at the Women's Bible study, Tim had texted and called. I was gone for about 30 minutes and Kaizer had thrown up 5 times in less than 30 minutes, it could have been more, but who keeps count of such things. I called Tim as I was leaving bible study, have Kaizer ready we are going to the ER. So I get home and down comes my sweet boy carrying his Thomas the Tank Engine trashcan and Tim. We get to the ER and they test him for strep and flu. Both test came back negative, thank God, but that didn't answer the question as to what is wrong with him. The doc came in, took 1 look at Kaizer, and told us he had a stomach virus. This was just from looking at him, no test run, no nothing, just a look. I didn't agree, but doc knows best, right...wrong. We spent 3 hours at the ER for that, I took the doc for his word, finding it hard to believe that that was all it was.
Tuesday I didn't send him to school, partly because he had spent 3 hours in the ER the night before, but also because he had developed a high fever. His fever stayed between 100 and 103 for over 24 hours for the next 2 days. We were doing the tylenol, motrin thing, cool baths, washcloths, trying to make sure he got enough to drink, the whole bit, but nothing could make his fever break. So Wednesday afternoon, back to the ER we go! This time we weren't going without test being run and a true diagnosis of what was going on.
We get to the ER and his fever is 101 almost 102. The same doc comes in and looks at my very pale, very sick little man and says oh he looks good. I told him that no he didn't look good, he was so pale and his eyes were so red. He was not up being his normal busy self, this was not what a good looking kid looked like. The doc decided to do X-rays on his lungs and head, blood work, pee in a cup, strep test, and flu test again. We go to X-ray and get those done, it took most of his energy to stand up to get them done. We get back to Bay 1, his room and the nurse comes in to do the swab test and blood work. He didn't want any of it done, he wanted to go home and watch Disney! It took 3 of us to hold him down for the blood work and swab tests, needless to say while he was crying, I was crying too. It took him a while to pee in the cup, but he finally did, just enough for them to get what they needed! They took a little more blood than the doc asked for, but that was so they wouldn't have to restick him. After the blood work was done and all the test, we waited. Kaizer fell asleep and I know he was wore out. It was all he could do to hold his little head up. The doc finally came in and told me that the swab test were negative, the blood work looked good as did the pee. The X-rays were not so great. Kaizer has sinusitis, hints why he has been so stuffy all week, and his lungs showed a massive viral infection, hints the cough and fever he has. He prescribed him Augmentin, making his 12th drug to take everyday for the next 10 days, then we drop back down to 11!
I had to wait til Thursday to pick up his medicine since Walmart didn't have it on Wed when I dropped off the prescription. I decided on Thursday that Kaizer could use some fresh air, we took him out for about a hour on Thursday night. He ate good and he really seemed to be okay. His fever had broke around 11:00am Thursday morning and he was feeling good. It did him some good to be outside. Friday morning, he went to school, for the first time since Monday! I was just hopeful he would be able to make it all day! He did make it all day! I even went to lunch with him!
After school, we took him prebowling, and even after the week he had, he still bowled a 44! That is pretty great for a little guy who has been sick all week! We went grocery shopping and really enjoyed the day! After dinner, we made a run to Baskin Robbins and then to Kroger! Of course at Kroger, Kaizer wanted the car cart, so of course we gave in! You know when your child is tired, when he falls asleep in the car cart! He got very quiet in the store and I really didn't think much of it, just as long as he stayed in the cart, Tim took 1 look at him and he was asleep! Too bad I didn't have my camera!
Needless to say after 2 3-hour trips to the ER, we have had a longer week than we wanted. I never want to relive again. The weekend has been on upswing for us and I am hopeing we stay on the upswing! Just say a prayer for us that all the sickness stays away from us!

The More Things Change...The More They Stay The Same

Just as the title says, the more things change, the more they stay the same, this is the one phrase I can find to define my life as of now. We seem to be going through changes in our home, but it seems like those changes are keeping us in the same routine. I feel like our life is being dictated by this doctor visit or that doctor visit, or start this medicine or drop down a dosage in this medicine. It seems like in just the past few weeks, our lives have taken on big changes, that I am still getting used to.

Doctor visits and medicine seem to rule Kaizer's life, more than anything. He is now on 11 meds a day and who knows when this will change. He gets allergy shots twice a week, which he hates, but he knows he has to have them. He takes 6, sometimes 7 meds before first thing in the morning, add on his 2nd dose of medicine at lunch, and then at dinner he takes 2 more doses of medicine. Before bed he takes 3 to 4 more meds. He is one tough little guy. He has been on meds since he was 4 months old, for him this is just a part of life. We do try to give him at least 1 day a month to be med free, we have only done it twice and it seems to have a negative effect on him. He can't quit the meds without horrible breathing and stomach problems. I am thankful he has the meds so that he can function in his day to day life, don't get me wrong, but I do hope for that one day when he will need no meds to make it through! Oh what a great day that will be! I keep a check-off list taped to my cabinets to make sure I know exactly what he has been given and trust me, I get made fun of for having it, but that has been my norm for so long! I need this list to function! I can't even imagine trying to make it through the day without my list!

Another big change was leaving our church. This decision wasn't easy to make for us and we had been praying on it for some time. FGBC was like our family and we are thankful for every prayer and encouraging word we got from the people there. We felt it was time for us to go when we hit a spiritual stand still. Our desire to go to church was gone and we really didn't care if we were there or not, that is how bad it got for us. Leaving FGBC was a hard choice for us, but we know it was the right one. FGBC was our first true "family" church. If it wasn't for us sending Kaizer out there for VBS in 2009, who knows where we would be now! Kaizer learned so much about Jesus and God in our short time there and that means more to me than words could say! Who knows if we will ever be back out there, but if we don't then I know God has a plan for us!

Our changes come and we take them all in stride, that is all we know how to do. Our life will always be in one changing cycle or another, but I wouldn't have my life any other way! This is the life given to me by the big man upstairs through many answered and unanswered prayers, thankful for every blessing I have!

Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is a huge part of our life right now...And it is a horrible thing to go through. Since about September, Kaizer has had horrible anxiety about having to leave us. He cries and doesn't want to let go of me or Tim. He doesn't want to stay with anyone, but us, which means no time for Tim and I. I have never experienced this before and I really don't know how to help Kaizer understand that I am not going anywhere or that I will be back to get him.

Every morning at school or at least 95% of the time, he cries and doesn't want to go into class. It has gotten so bad that Mrs. Ward has had to come and drag him off of me. It breaks my heart and makes me want to cry as well. The only thing I can think of that would even trigger all of this would be the one day, back in September, I was late to pick him up from school. I didn't get there until 3:10 or so, he wasn't crying or even upset. He was sitting in the office, perfectly fine, but since that day, it has been very bad.

Even at church, he is getting very upset when it is time for Children's Church or even to go downstairs on Wed nights. He loves church and he loves the people at church, but he is so scared to leave us. Tonight at dinner, as we were talking about taking Kaizer to the church daycare, so Tim and I could go to dinner and have a night away, he broke down in tears, not just a little bit of tears, I mean full on crying. We asked him why he was acting like this and his answer was that he doesn't want to be away from us because if he isn't with us, we will forget him. We all know that we would never forget him, but he is convinced we will. I don't know where he got this idea or anything. Of course as he was breaking down crying, mom was tearing up as well.
I just wish I knew why he felt this way and where he got this idea. We have tried somethings, but nothing has seemed to help. We gave him pictures to carry in his pocket, I gave him one of my bowling pins to carry around, I leave notes in his lunch box, what else can I do? I hate this stage in his life, I hate that he is going through this. I really just hate it all.
I want him to be okay with going places without us. I want him to know that it is okay, we will always come back. I want him to know that we will never forget him. I don't know what else to do to help him. I don't know how to help him.

Separation anxiety has turned our life upside down. It has made almost impossible to leave our child with anyone. If one of us isn't with him, he doesn't seem like himself. I wish I had the answers to make him him once again.