Depression Crashing...

Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.
True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

 

Depression comes into your life in the most unexpected times and then rules your life until one day you have enough, you decide it's time to fight back, regain yourself. Depression is one of the darkest experiences of life, one of the scariest in life, and one that literally turns you into someone you don't like, and you don't really want other people to see. Depression sucks your life away, one black cloud at a time.

My first run with depression came at 14 years old. I had just moved to Evansville for the first time. I had left the only home I had ever known, no matter the dysfunction of that home, it was my home. I had left the only friends I had known. The friends I met at 6 years old, the friends I had fought with and made it right between us. I had put off moving to Evansville from Campbellsville as long as I could, I knew the day was coming though. This was a day I dreaded, I was in no way ready to say goodbye.

My mother and I packed up the car that hot July morning and I said my final goodbyes to my dad and my brother. That was hard. As we made the 3 hour drive, the tears came and I kept trying to hide them. My mother took me into the home she had picked for us, showed me around some, and then she was off to work. Here I was, a 14 year old kid, in a town I knew nothing about, knew no one, and I was alone. I had never truly felt alone until that moment. Every afternoon at 2:00, my mother would leave for work and everyday that black cloud got a bit darker and bit bigger. I would sit for hours in the silence, in the dark until I ended up in the corner of my closet, staring up a bar, wondering if it would hold my weight. I would sit for hours and cry, for no reason.

Sitting, crying, screaming into the darkness at a God I no longer believed in. Begging to die when I went to sleep that night so I would no longer feel the pain of being alone. Waking up everyday felt like torture and sleeping was my redemption, my refuge from the storm. I would sit and ponder the ways to make the pain end, but then I would think of my mom. I couldn't have my mother be the one to find me.

I made "friends" at school. That was when the storm cloud started to lift and I could start to see the sun in little spots. These people had their ways to keep the "happy" Asha out and alive, drugs and alcohol. Why not have another drink, I learned that to be happy, searching the bottom of the bottle became my answer. After I started drinking, the depression faded away and quickly. Through this of course, another problem then occurred. Finding people to hang out with and having another source to drown my pain became my answer.

This answer stuck with me for years. I didn't feel that dark cloud really start to creep back in for quite a few years after that. I could feel the cloud coming back when Kaizer was around 3. His health had taken quite a few hits and Tim and I were on the rocks yet again. This time instead of diving head first into a bottle, I found myself back at 14 years old, sitting in the deepest, darkest corner of the closet, crying and talking to God. When I could afford to drink, I would drown every ounce of pain in the bottle, only to discover the next day it was still there. As I discovered the bottle wasn't working for me, I turned to a source I thought very unlikely to help, church.

After getting involved in church, some of the darkness started to lift away and I could once again see the sun trying to pin-prick its way through. Too bad the pin-prick didn't just rip away at a seam and tear that darkness apart. As much as I have always wished to go back to that happy go lucky person I was before I was 14, that person was dead and gone when the first black cloud appeared. That first black giant came in and buried that person, in a lot of ways, I'm still searching for that person.

After I got through that bout of depression, life went on as normal for almost 4 years. I had gone through major changes in my life, a big move to Evansville, working in the school system, and just adjusting to a new life. In May of 2012, my marriage was done, and with that it started a cycle of black cloud after black cloud. I was drinking more trying to bury the darkness, every night I needed a little more, a little more was never enough.

One more drink became one or more shots a night as well, until I had my eyes opened up by someone who truly cares about me. He has been my rock and my angel through out all of this. He understands what I'm going through and has always been there. Since my divorce started and Kaizer started going to Tims' every other weekend, its hard. That first full weekend was extremely difficult. I sat in the dark, crying, listening to music that wasn't helping, and drinking. This past week has been hard. I have a crappy day, time for a drink, let the depression win.

The depression once again swooped in with a vengeance and I once again fell to my knees and let it win. I have spent days in my house, not going anywhere, staying in my pajamas, and sleeping the day away. This past week has been one of the worse for me in a long time. Not bad enough that I would hurt myself, I don't have those thoughts anymore. That was a once and only time thing, but the depression is still there.

I don't know that I will be over depression. Yes I will get sad from time to time, who doesn't? Yes I'll have bad days, but I'm hoping to find my inner strength, my inner beast that says NO I WIN. Depression sucks, it sucks away you, your life, and your dreams. Depression is hard, it takes a toll on your body. I'm strong enough now to rip that dark cloud myself and shred it.

 

Depression comes crashing

Like the waves on the sand

Depression covers you in darkness

Like a blanket in the winter

Depression is a thief in the night

Stealing your life one dark cloud at a time

Depression leaves you in a corner

Hiding from the light of the day

Wrapping up inside yourself

Trying to hide just a little more

Finding your strength in the darkness

Is like searching for needle in a haystack

Nearly impossible and just as frustrating

The sounds of laughter

Seems so foreign to you

The look of happiness

You no longer recognize

The weight of depression

Sits on your chest

Making it hard to take that breath

Depression comes crashing

Like a sea of black waves

Upon the whitest sands

Stealing all the light from you.

An Alcoholic Nightmare

"It's like I have a gun in my mouth and I like the way the metal taste." Robert Downey Jr

Alcoholism is a broad term for problems with alcohol, and is generally used to mean compulsive and uncontrolled consumption of alcoholic beverages.

I can remember the May of 1997 like it was yesterday. I was 12 years old and I had spent the morning and much of the afternoon at the college watching many people I knew walk across the stage. I had gone to watch a very close family friend with our family friends. Little did I know that would be the day I would soon discover how much a drink could mean to my life.
I had been invited to go to his graduation party with the family and all of his college buddies.I thought nothing of it seeing as how I wouldn't be the youngest child there, nor the oldest being under 18. There were plenty of children younger than me at 12, how much trouble could this be? As the party went on, I ventured out back to where the real party was. No one would give me a glass of whatever was in the pitcher they had out there, that was just for the adults. What they failed to realize was, the fruit they kept pulling out of this pitcher soaked in booze was just as easy to get a buzz off it. This pitcher had homemade hooch in it, made with lots of fruits and other things. I started eating the fruit that came from this pitcher and soon had a feeling, an overwhelming sensation that I liked. I liked feeling 10 feet tall and bulletproof. I enjoyed this rush, this high, a feeling I had never had before. As the hooch pitcher kept getting lower and lower, the fruit got to being more and more that I could eat on. With every piece of fruit, that rush, got to be more and more enjoyable, that high got better and better.
The next morning, as I woke to the overly bright sun and loud noises coming from the kitchen, I didn't feel so great. I was sick. My first thought of course was not to the fruit I had consumed the mere 5 hours before. My first thought was getting to the bathroom and hoping I made it there before I puked all over the place. I would soon learn this feeling to be that of a hangover. This again was a brand new feeling, a scary, not so great feeling. One I was hoping to never experience again. My head pounded, my eyes burned from the sun, my body shook, and there was no way I was getting out of bed. I tried to eat that day, but that didn't help. If I could have just remembered the night before and how I got this way, maybe it would all make sense.
It took me another 7 months before I was able to chase the high from that May night. It was New Years and I was back at the same house for another party. This one was to ring in 1998! I remember sneaking into the kitchen and getting glasses of wine and champagne, hoping to not get caught! I never got caught, so the drinks kept coming. The feeling of the rush or high I was chasing never came back that. So of course, I thought the more I drink, that feeling is sure to come back, not remembering the whole time of my hangover, feeling like death the whole day. There was no stopping me, I wanted my high, I needed to feel that rush, a rush/high that never came. The next day though, that hangover was back. Most would think this would be enough to deter me from ever picking up another bottle, sadly no it didn't.
Fast forward to May of 2000, age 15. I was living in Evansville and hanging with the wrong crowd. The "friends" I had only cared about a few things, drinking being the biggest of these.The best part of this group of "friends" was that the parents were the suppliers of our drinking binges. We would get out of school and walk home to find beer sitting on the table waiting on us. This became my life, drinking everyday after school and hoping my mother would never catch me. I was chasing that high, that rush I got at 12. I never discovered that rush, but I did discover that my tolerance raised. At 15 years old, I started a drinking binge that I would chase for the better part of the next 4 years.
4 years of chasing a high that never came, a rush that never showed up again. I spent the next 4 years, drinking for hours a day, sometimes starting at 4 in the afternoon only to finish when I passed out. I passed out or blacked out in more places that you can imagine. I would fall asleep on the floor, the couch, the bathroom floor, and even outside on a porch. At 16 years old I was full blown into an addiction I saw no end to. My day would start by waking up feeling so sick and shaking like a leaf. I would stay this way until I could get that drink and all of a sudden, I felt better. It was like medicine for me. The hangovers had stopped, my body just craved a drink. What had started out with just a beer, soon became vodka and the harder, more intense drinks. I can recall being so desperate for a drink, I would hide booze in my closet and drink them hot, just to not be sick.
At 19 years old, I made the choice to stop drinking. I had made this choice based on this desire I had to have a child. I couldn't have a baby growing in my belly and be drinking. I wanted my baby to have the best place to grow. I quit drinking and quickly got pregnant. Not far into the pregnancy, I lost the baby. As much as my heart broke, I knew a drink wouldn't help if I wanted to be a mom. I got pregnant again and had the absolute worse pregnancy in the world, but it was all worth it to have my miracle baby. On June 3 2005, my sweet, brown eyed baby boy was born. The joy that came with being his mommy and hearing him cry for the first time is a feeling that is indescribable. That feeling was so much better than the high or rush drinking had ever given me. Watching this little boy grow, talk, crawl, and walk was so amazing.
20 days before Kaizer turned 1, we had a family reunion with an open bar. I hadn't had a drink in almost 2 years, I thought I had conquered that alcoholic demon in my head. How wrong I was. It started with a beer and quickly moved to 3 more drinks by the nights end. I was not as strong as I thought I was. This 4 hour drinking binge lead me down the next 18 months of drinking almost nightly, always justifying to myself the same 3 thing, my bills are paid, my child is taken care of, and there is food in the house. As long as those 3 things are taken care of then I can drink until I black out. Over the next 3 years, I would drink sporadically and sometimes get wasted, but not like I had been doing.
August of 2011, as I made the move back to Evansville, my fears of becoming the same person I was in high school came flooding back. The fear of living in the big wet town where there is a bar or liquor store on every corner, where I can go to the grocery store or gas station and just buy what I want. I want a 6 pack, give me 15 minutes, I'll come back with 4. The reality of this is, I have become that person again. I spend many nights drinking until I pass out. It started out with 3 drinks a night and has quickly gone to 12 . Some nights I have 12 with shots, many shots. I drink to forget the pain of some of the toughest parts of my life, some events in my life. I drink to not have to face the fact that I wake up everyday and look at a chart of 11 meds that my son has to take in order to eat, got to the bathroom, breathe. Even though I know that I caused none of these issues with him, it still sucks to face it. I drink to forget me.
No I'm not a bad mom or even a bad person. I am a person with a problem. Hello, my name is Asha and I am an alcoholic. A couple of days ago, I had someone reach out to me and really open my eyes to the reality of my life. I am drinking my life away and for what? All so I can have a another drink. As I write this, I'm going on 48 hours without a drink, I haven't done that since Christmas. I'm shaky from withdrawal and sick. I'm sad and I feel like crying. All I want to do is run and get a drink, but I am tackling being sober to give my son the best life out there, without a drunk for his mother. The next few hours, days, weeks, and even months may get hard for me, but I have to stay strong and somehow make it through.
The reality of an alcoholic's life is this, they can never have just 1 drink, that 1 drink always leads to 3, 4, or 9, 10. We can never go to the bar for a quick drink, we will forget our way home. We aren't bad people, we have just made bad choices. We can never be "social" drinkers. We don't know how to do that. The reality of an alcoholic is this, that bottle in our hand, usually feels like our best friend. That bottle in our hand has stolen our life and kept us in the shadows for far too long. This road to sobriety won't be easy and I may stumble, but I am hoping to be able to pick myself back up.

My Road to Catholicism

I can remember as a child always walking or riding my bike past the Catholic church in town and always wanting to know just what was behind those glass doors. Being raised baptist, I didn't dare go in to find out. There was a mystery behind those doors and little did I know that one day in my later life that I would be behind those doors finding out the mystery and truly find my home in my relationship with God.
I was raised by a baptist preacher, so my whole life was spent in baptist churches. I was raised believing baptist was the only religion and the only way to get to heaven was through the baptist teachings. There was a time when my brother and I went to a Presbyterian church though. As far as I could tell, baptist and Presbyterian were very much alike. We would go in sing a few hymns, prayer, offering, and preaching...always followed of course by the invitation! Sometimes, but not very often in both churches we would get to take the Lord's Supper, but only of course if you were saved.
In 2007, my mother began attending Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) at Holy Name of Jesus Catholic Church in Henderson. When we would come visit, we would go to church with her! I finally was behind the doors of the mysterious Catholic church! It was nothing at all of what I had imagined or even heard when I was a child! It wasn't this dark scary church and the nuns and priests were some of the funniest people I had ever met! We sang songs, we greeted one another, we prayed, and we did offering! Many people read from the bible and the priest gave the word, just like any other church, but there was something different. That something different...you ask?
The something different was that they did Lord's supper and it wasn't even Christmas or Easter! This was just another Sunday! As I stepped out of the pew to go up for Lord's Supper, I noticed not everyone in the church got it though, of course this sent a wave of questions through me. why not everyone, why only some? What is the priest saying to the people who aren't receiving? As I walked up, my mother told me not to take of the Lord's supper, but get my blessing. Get my blessing, don't take, but I am saved! I am washed in the blood of the Lamb! But I did just as she told me to do. As I stepped forward the priest stretched out his hand and touched my head and said the "Blessing of Christ," he did this for Tim and for my child! My child who had never been to church was being blessed, the feeling I got was amazing! I was ready to dig deeper into this faith!
At Easter 2008, we came up to watch my mother be accepted into Holy Name! What an amazing night this was! To come into this dark church with the only light coming from her RCIA class, it was amazing to watch as each row then got their candles lit. I knew this night, my mother was where she was supposed to be. She knew she was home and I can remember being jealous of not having that feeling! I wanted that feeling so much! Little did I know in 4 short years, that feeling would be mine!
In 2009, God changed our direction away from Catholicism and put us in a baptist church. I couldn't figure out why God had turned us this way, but we went along with God and followed His lead. We started attending First General Baptist and stayed there for quite a while. Kaizer was saved while we attended FGBC, what a blessing! Of course being raised baptist, the next step in baptizing, but he just refused to let Brother Gary dunk him in the water. We left FGBC and started attending Living Grace! What a blessing that church was and still continues to be to our family! Again Kaizer refused to be dunked at Living Grace, he must have known something else was out there for him!
In the time between leaving FGBC and attending Living Grace, Tim had lost his job, having no luck in Campbellsville, he started looking in Evansville. He was hired right away and I too found a job very quickly. So we made the move to Evansville! The first week we were up here, my mom invited me to RCIA with her, as she is now a table leader! As soon as we walked through the door I was greeted with a hug, smile, and the words, "We have been praying for you to join us!" What a feeling to know we were wanted and these people have been praying for us!
We had been coming to RCIA and church for about 2 weeks when Kaizer started asking to be baptized. He asked Father McBride to baptize him by Christmas. I sat in shock as my child who would let no one else do this, that had just asked Father to do this! As I asked Kaizer why Father McBride, he simply said, "This is where God wants us." If my child knows this is where we are meant to be, how could I argue!
On Dec. 17, 2011, Kaizer was baptized! He was so proud of his decision! Of course we got a lot of backlash for letting him be baptized into any other church but baptist, but I knew he had made the right choice. Over Christmas of 2011, we saw some people from our old church, who made the comment right in front of Kaizer, that Catholics won't make it to heaven. I had never been so hurt and angry in my life. For this man who Kaizer loved and adored to say this to him, how wrong.
As RCIA classes have gone on, I have made close friends and learned more about this faith that I now call mine! As we went through Holy week and all the masses we went through, I have felt more and more at home! God called us to Holy Name for a purpose! I know not everyone can understand our choice to become Catholic and that is okay. It may not be for everyone to understand. As I have sat through mass on Sunday, I feel so at home. As I watch my child grow in this faith, I know God called us home!
I am not always the best at listening to God, but He knows how to work in my life. He sends me the answers through my child! "Momma, this is where God wants us." He sends me answers through other people, "We have been praying for you!" What more proof do I need, that this is where God wants us!