True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.
“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story
― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story
Depression comes into your life in the most unexpected times and then rules your life until one day you have enough, you decide it's time to fight back, regain yourself. Depression is one of the darkest experiences of life, one of the scariest in life, and one that literally turns you into someone you don't like, and you don't really want other people to see. Depression sucks your life away, one black cloud at a time.
My first run with depression came at 14 years old. I had just moved to Evansville for the first time. I had left the only home I had ever known, no matter the dysfunction of that home, it was my home. I had left the only friends I had known. The friends I met at 6 years old, the friends I had fought with and made it right between us. I had put off moving to Evansville from Campbellsville as long as I could, I knew the day was coming though. This was a day I dreaded, I was in no way ready to say goodbye.
My mother and I packed up the car that hot July morning and I said my final goodbyes to my dad and my brother. That was hard. As we made the 3 hour drive, the tears came and I kept trying to hide them. My mother took me into the home she had picked for us, showed me around some, and then she was off to work. Here I was, a 14 year old kid, in a town I knew nothing about, knew no one, and I was alone. I had never truly felt alone until that moment. Every afternoon at 2:00, my mother would leave for work and everyday that black cloud got a bit darker and bit bigger. I would sit for hours in the silence, in the dark until I ended up in the corner of my closet, staring up a bar, wondering if it would hold my weight. I would sit for hours and cry, for no reason.
Sitting, crying, screaming into the darkness at a God I no longer believed in. Begging to die when I went to sleep that night so I would no longer feel the pain of being alone. Waking up everyday felt like torture and sleeping was my redemption, my refuge from the storm. I would sit and ponder the ways to make the pain end, but then I would think of my mom. I couldn't have my mother be the one to find me.
I made "friends" at school. That was when the storm cloud started to lift and I could start to see the sun in little spots. These people had their ways to keep the "happy" Asha out and alive, drugs and alcohol. Why not have another drink, I learned that to be happy, searching the bottom of the bottle became my answer. After I started drinking, the depression faded away and quickly. Through this of course, another problem then occurred. Finding people to hang out with and having another source to drown my pain became my answer.
This answer stuck with me for years. I didn't feel that dark cloud really start to creep back in for quite a few years after that. I could feel the cloud coming back when Kaizer was around 3. His health had taken quite a few hits and Tim and I were on the rocks yet again. This time instead of diving head first into a bottle, I found myself back at 14 years old, sitting in the deepest, darkest corner of the closet, crying and talking to God. When I could afford to drink, I would drown every ounce of pain in the bottle, only to discover the next day it was still there. As I discovered the bottle wasn't working for me, I turned to a source I thought very unlikely to help, church.
After getting involved in church, some of the darkness started to lift away and I could once again see the sun trying to pin-prick its way through. Too bad the pin-prick didn't just rip away at a seam and tear that darkness apart. As much as I have always wished to go back to that happy go lucky person I was before I was 14, that person was dead and gone when the first black cloud appeared. That first black giant came in and buried that person, in a lot of ways, I'm still searching for that person.
After I got through that bout of depression, life went on as normal for almost 4 years. I had gone through major changes in my life, a big move to Evansville, working in the school system, and just adjusting to a new life. In May of 2012, my marriage was done, and with that it started a cycle of black cloud after black cloud. I was drinking more trying to bury the darkness, every night I needed a little more, a little more was never enough.
One more drink became one or more shots a night as well, until I had my eyes opened up by someone who truly cares about me. He has been my rock and my angel through out all of this. He understands what I'm going through and has always been there. Since my divorce started and Kaizer started going to Tims' every other weekend, its hard. That first full weekend was extremely difficult. I sat in the dark, crying, listening to music that wasn't helping, and drinking. This past week has been hard. I have a crappy day, time for a drink, let the depression win.
The depression once again swooped in with a vengeance and I once again fell to my knees and let it win. I have spent days in my house, not going anywhere, staying in my pajamas, and sleeping the day away. This past week has been one of the worse for me in a long time. Not bad enough that I would hurt myself, I don't have those thoughts anymore. That was a once and only time thing, but the depression is still there.
I don't know that I will be over depression. Yes I will get sad from time to time, who doesn't? Yes I'll have bad days, but I'm hoping to find my inner strength, my inner beast that says NO I WIN. Depression sucks, it sucks away you, your life, and your dreams. Depression is hard, it takes a toll on your body. I'm strong enough now to rip that dark cloud myself and shred it.
Depression comes crashing
Like the waves on the sand
Depression covers you in darkness
Like a blanket in the winter
Depression is a thief in the night
Stealing your life one dark cloud at a time
Depression leaves you in a corner
Hiding from the light of the day
Wrapping up inside yourself
Trying to hide just a little more
Finding your strength in the darkness
Is like searching for needle in a haystack
Nearly impossible and just as frustrating
The sounds of laughter
Seems so foreign to you
The look of happiness
You no longer recognize
The weight of depression
Sits on your chest
Making it hard to take that breath
Depression comes crashing
Like a sea of black waves
Upon the whitest sands
Stealing all the light from you.
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